Surgery for the Surgeon

Dr. D rolled in to greet me before my surgery with one leg atop a scooter. Strange. I’d only ever seen that type of getup used twice before, both on men my age who suffered from diabetes, but Dr. D seemed pretty young and athletic to be in danger of losing a limb.

“Are you okay?” I asked a bit groggily, as I was just about to go under from the anesthesia.

“Ya, just a biking accident.” He wasn’t exactly curt, but he wasn’t his usual cheerful self, either. I remember wondering if I’d done something wrong (invariably my initial reaction to anyone seeming out of sorts), but it was a fleeting thought, and then I fell asleep.

Today has been three months to the day since my hip replacement surgery. I’m not completely recovered yet, but enough so that—by God’s grace—it seems I will. I hadn’t given another thought to my vision of Dr. D rolling in on a scooter until I saw him again at my check-out checkup walking virtually normally.

“It looks like your leg has recovered! Did you say you’d hurt it in a biking accident?” I was picturing him falling off his bicycle around town.

“You didn’t hear that story?”

I shook my head.

“I was on a 1,200-mile cross-country motorcycle trip taking the back roads from California east when I lost a tangle with a motorist who apparently didn’t notice me.”

“Wow! You’re lucky you survived!”

“Ya. Got scrapped up pretty bad but only broke my ankle.”

I studied him intently. “I don’t remember you having a cast on the day you operated.”

“No, I had too many surgeries scheduled, so I operated on you before they operated on my ankle.”

I grimaced, remembering back to my only experience of breaking a bone. About thirty years ago I broke my wrist while bicyling with Alan along Huron River Drive in Ann Arbor. It was late October and the trees were showering the road with leaves. As the sun began to set, an unexpected rain made the road gleam. It was beautiful but cold, and as we sped up to reach shelter, I slipped on a big patch of decomposing leaves. We still had five miles to go, so I rode it out until we reached Dexter Bakery and Alan was able to load up our bikes. I can remember the pain of unset bone on bone and the relief I felt after my wrist was stabilized in a cast. I tried to imagine performing surgery with a broken ankle. Not a pretty picture.

I don’t know Dr D well enough to explain his unusual heroism. Surgical training is unbelievably grueling, and dedicated surgeons learn to put the life-and-death needs of others above their own somewhat less than life-and-death needs so often that one friend (who is a surgeon) says surgeons don’t deserve to have spouses (because they’re so neglected).

Just a question, but how are you doing? People (especially men) can get so consumed by their work that they delay caring for their own needs. Caregivers (especially women) can become so focused on providing for their loved ones that they live with pain rather than get the care they need. Are you spending your life toughing it out for the sake of others? Maybe today is a good day to stop and assess your situation. Do you need to schedule a surgery? How’s your heart? Need to schedule an appointment with the Great Physician of our souls?

“For the wound of the daughter of my people is my heart wounded; I mourn, and dismay has taken hold on me. Is there no balm in Gilead? Is there no physician there? Why then has the health of the daughter of my people not been restored?” (Jeremiah 8:21-22).

“When Jesus heard that, he said unto them, They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick” (Matthew 9:11).

“Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am languishing; heal me, O Lord, for my bones are troubled” (Psalm 6:2).

Writing Your Life Story

“We can hardly wait to retire!” she confided with a grin. I was too surprised to respond. I looked deep into my best friend’s bright blue eyes and saw that she was absolutely sincere.

“But Cheryl, you guys haven’t even started working yet!”

“I know! We’re excited to move to Miami, and I think Tom’s going to love his new practice, but we want to save hard and retire as soon as we can.”

Forty years later, I still remember feeling shocked and confused. Maybe I just wasn’t far-sighted enough, but the thought of retiring had never crossed my mind in all my twenty-nine years. To me, “Retirement” was the “R word” and not to be spoken . . . until necessary . . . and only in hushed tones.

Cheryl and I had been “resident widows” together while our husbands slugged their way through medical residencies at the University of Michigan. Cheryl’s husband had just finished (one year ahead of Alan), and they’d found an excellent opportunity to join a thriving practice in Miami. They were just about to embark on the greatest adventure in their life. Could they really be overlooking the next 35-40 years? What was so attractive about being old, grey, and tired? It all sounded scary and threatening to me. At this same time, my own parents were considering when to retire, and my Dad was fighting with the State of Michigan over an upcoming mandated retirement from his professorship at age 65. He didn’t want to retire!*

Cheryl’s two kids and my two oldest had played together incessantly through all those years of medical combat. Some weeks Alan was gone for 117 hours (I counted). Aaron and Michael got all excited when Alan was on overnight call, because on those nights we got to go “to Daddy’s house” (as they called it) for dinner. We’d pack a picnic and share supper with him in his tiny call room, which was especially thrilling to the boys because it was furnished with a hospital bed that could go up and back and down and up and . . . kept them occupied endlessly!

It was during those days that Cheryl kept the number for protective services above her phone. I thought she might be kidding, but she said she wasn’t. She promised herself she would call that number before she ever took her frustration out on her son, and it kept her from getting physically violent even when she felt like it.

Our oldest sons were so much alike! As first-time mothers, we were convinced they were both geniuses . . . not only in their insatiable curiosity about life and thirst for adventure, but also in their ability to oppose their mothers in every conceivable (and inconceivable) way. Sometimes Cheryl would call me, impersonating the voice of her son.

“Mrs. Armstwong, are you going crazy?”

“YES! Are you?”

“YES! Do you want to go to the mall?”

During the icy winter months, we often escaped with our children to the Briarwood Mall, with its endless maze of wide halls, escalators, stairways, fountains, and gleaming storefronts filled with tantalizing scents and sights to lure in shoppers. We didn’t shop, though! We wouldn’t have trusted our children inside the stores, but we did let them run (in theory “quietly and avoiding people”) through the hallways. It was the best way we knew to let them burn off some of their boundless energy during times when public parks were uninhabitably slippery and cold for toddling toes and noses.

Sigh. Happy times. Hard times! We are still friends today, and I’ll skip trying to share the huge middle chapters of our stories, but I’ve had two revelations: 1. I was right about retirement: Tom is gone, and Sue is alone. Being old and grey . . . and alone . . . isn’t to be prized too highly, so make every day count and stay present-minded. 2. Sue was right about retirement: Alan and I are loving retirement, because it gives us a chance to pursue our avocations! Medicine was his calling, and mothering was mine, but I’ve been delighted to discover how much we are energized by pursuing new “careers” and new chapters in our lives.

What an adventure life is! Every life! Yours too! We are writing our stories as we live our lives. For you who are young and just starting out, I hope you make every day special and a tale worth telling, even if it’s a story of coping with pain. For those of us who have survived to retirement, we can invest our lives in whatever we want—or better yet—in whatever God wants! What a privilege and responsibility! As C.S. Lewis reminds us, “You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.” Oh, for a billion happy endings to the stories of our lives!

“You are our epistle written in our hearts, known and read of all men.”
(2 Corinthians 3:2)

(* Notes: My father retired in 1980. Since that time, the laws in Michigan have changed, and university professors no longer have to retire at age 65. Also, I will always change the names and a few facts [like locations] to protect the privacy of those I write about, although we did go to Briarwood Mall, and Alan was completing his residency through the University of Michigan. ALSO: a reader says the real author of the quote I attributed to Lewis is James Sherman from his 1982 book, Rejection: “You can’t go back and make a new start, but you can start right now and make a brand new ending.” Apparently it is commonly attributed to Lewis but has not been found in his writings.)

Rise Up, My Love (246): Passionate Devotion

Song of Solomon 7:11 “Come, my beloved, let us go forth into the field: let us lodge in the villages.” As we discovered earlier, “my beloved” is the wife’s favorite term of endearment for her husband. After reflecting on her position in her beloved, the wife now invites her husband to go forth into the fields and villages.

In chapter 2, it was the husband who invited: “Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.” Now it is the wife who initiates. She no longer has to wait for an invitation to understand what he needs and desires. His love has produced in her such overwhelming devotion that she has become sensitive to his needs and has learned to anticipate his desires.

“I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye” (Psalm 32:8). He had taught her, and now she knew him so well that all she had to do was look into his eyes to see what he wanted. Oh, to become a wife who understands and anticipates the needs of my husband so well! Oh, to see so clearly the countenance of my beloved Christ…to be able to see reflected in his eyes the desires of his heart!

There are many wonderful aspects of this courageous suggestion that should be considered. Notice first that intimate, personal love is the great motivation that has aroused the bride to action…a love that recognizes the person of Christ: “My beloved.” The beloved one is not an imaginary hero. This is no Super Man drawn with pen and ink on a comic strip. He is no teen idol adored from the distant corners of darkened auditoriums or admired from airbrushed photographs. He is not even an inspirational leader broadcasted live on worldwide TV or internet and quoted widely in global newspapers.

This person was a real, living man she knew with great intimacy…someone with whom she could walk and talk; someone upon whose shoulder she could lean; someone who loved her and had taken her for his own, forever. This is the love of Christ for us. If you have never looked into his eyes and felt his arms around you, open your spiritual heart and allow yourself to know him in this way! Christ is alive. He is a real person who can be spiritually discerned and known. Take upon yourself the challenge that God gave King Solomon in I Chronicles 28:9: “And thou, Solomon my son, know thou the God of thy father, and serve him with a perfect heart and with a willing mind: for the Lord searcheth all hearts, and understandeth all the imaginations of the thoughts: if thou seek him, he will be found of thee; but if thou forsake him, he will cast thee off for ever.”

What a command, and what an awesome responsibility! But, I believe by faith we can grasp this promise for ourselves even today. To do so, we must learn to understand and abide in his love. It is this passionate love that will cause us to say, “Come, my beloved, let us go forth.” This is the explosive love, the “dynamite” power that Paul spoke of in Romans 1:16 when he said, “For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power (dynamite) of God unto salvation to every one that believeth…” This is the “perfect love” that “casts out fear” (I John 4:18)—fear of anything that man might do to harm us—fear of ever being separated from our beloved again.

It is a passion so hot that it will melt our hearts into his and weld us together in true unity of purpose. We need never fear separation, because we will always want to be at his side, and he has promised, “I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee” (Hebrews 13:5). Notice also that true love cannot be rushed or forced. The husband invited but never forced. He waited until his bride was ready. When she was not willing, he left until she sought him out. But, when she found him, he received her immediately to himself, not rebuking her, but rather encouraging her with lavish praise (chapter 5). His amazing love reaped great rewards, because it generated passionate and permanent devotion in his wife.

Finally, we see that it is this type of love—intimate, passionate, carefully nurtured but freely developed—which leads the bride to go afield for her husband: “Come, my beloved, let us go forth into the field; let us lodge in the villages.” Husbands: If you want a wife who fully supports you in your work…try loving her with this type of love and see how the Lord blesses! (Obviously, not all women will respond with such enthusiasm, but God still wants us to imitate him: “Or despisest thou the riches of his goodness and forbearance and longsuffering; not knowing that the goodness of God leadeth thee to repentance?” [Romans 2:4].)

“Let us!” The bride is now eager to leave the comforts of home to further her husband’s interests because she senses the stirring within his heart to go afield, and she wants nothing more than to be with him no matter where he goes. She will not be going alone; she will be going with him! My mother used to always say, “Home is where the heart is.” The bride’s heart was with her husband-king, and so home had become wherever his heart was…be it the palace or the villages. She no longer cares if she sleeps behind the curtains of Solomon or in the tents of Kedar… so long as she sleeps with her beloved!

I wonder, is it the burning passion of our hearts to go afield with Christ? Am I prepared to leave home for the discomfort of sleeping in the “villages?” Are you? If you are, then why not invite the Lord to take you, just as the bride enjoined her husband: “Come, my beloved, let us go forth into the field; let us lodge in the villages…”

Sammy: Love From a Two-Year-Old

It’s been an entire month since I mentioned anything about “our” new baby in the family here in GR, but something so touching happened yesterday that I wanted to share it with you! As any of you who have children know, parenting isn’t for sissies. I have vivid memories of crazy-tired nights rocking and nursing babies, feeling dazed and totally unsure of how I’d survive the next day on so little sleep. It was in those middle-of-the-night hours that my faith became like bedrock in my soul, because as I poured out my heart to God, crying for help, I would find that He did answer. It wasn’t the power of positive thinking, and it wasn’t magic; it was mercy and grace. In the morning, I would imagine myself grabbing my machete and chopping again…trying to cut a swathe through the dry savanna grass (which was always higher than my head) so my children and I could walk on a path…The path! God is faithful.

I didn’t know sometimes from day to day if we’d survive, but we did, and I took that as a miracle. Frankly, I believe every child who grows to adulthood as a relatively healthy, spiritually and emotionally intact person is an answer to prayer and a miracle of God’s grace!

In that light, as I read my daughter-in-law’s Facebook post today, tears of thankfulness sprang to my eyes. With her permission, I’d like to share what she wrote:“There are many moments lately where life feels crazy-busy or just sort of crazy. I have come face-to-face with the reality of my own sin nature and with my inability to be a ‘perfect’ parent more times than I realized I would. So, I was having a brief moment of personal crisis today (not really… just a few quiet tears) over lack of sleep and two needy children when the Lord gave me a sweet gift through Mr. Samuel.  “Samuel was tired and having a moment of his own crisis of toddler-proportion when I brought him upstairs to try to get him to nap. While walking him around in my arms and feeling frustrated that he wasn’t sleeping, Elanor started crying with fervor. I realized that if I put Samuel down he would likely give up on napping and possibly get upset that he had lost my attention. But Samuel instead pointed at Elanor and said, ‘Sis. Feed milk.’ So I set Samuel down to take care of the baby while he contentedly played. Soon afterward Samuel told me, ‘Down. Eat, Mommy.’ After asking him, I realized he wanted me to go downstairs to feed myself. I was incredibly touched that my two-year-old would both be perceptive and giving enough to reflect God’s love in that small act.  “Crisis averted for the time being. 😉 No, he didn’t nap. Yes, food makes us more pleasant people. But especially, what an encouragement to watch my son demonstrate love.”

“Above all, keep loving one another earnestly,
since love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8, ESV).

Finding Beauty at the 2017 National Medical/Dental Association’s Annual Meeting

In almost 30 years of being a doctor’s wife (plus seven while he was in training),I’ve been with my husband to countless meetings, but last week I actually had the joy of being a participant! For the first time in forever, we attended the NMDA’s annual national meeting in Ridgecrest, North Carolina. I loved everything about it! Ridgecrest is a beautiful Christian conference center (like Maranatha here in southeast Michigan) nestled in the Blue Ridge Mountains near Black Mountain, North Carolina. Although—I have to admit—the schedule (7 am-9pm) was grueling, the speakers were outstanding, not only medically but spiritually…some brilliant, some extremely wise, and some just plain funny (but also wise). There were constant opportunities to connect (Midwest Regional Meeting), and get to know people (like Dr. Jim Hines, who’s planning to run for governor of Michigan in our next election; I’m very likely to vote for him!). There were many options for break out sessions on topics that interested me: human trafficking (by a female M.D. married to a police officer in Vermont),  moral ethics, legal issues, philosophy, and Christian education (in addition to more specifically medical issues). One of the really inspirational aspects was hearing about the doctors who received various awards for outstanding medical research and service. I learned many, many practical lessons from the lecturesand left with my heart and brain stimulated and enriched. I’d like to encourage anyone in the medical field
(not only doctors but dentists, P.A. and N.P’s, nurses, optometrists, etc.)
to think about attending the CMDA conference in 2018.

On the other hand, if you’re in some other profession, I’d like to encourage you to look into the possibility of a conference geared for Christians in whatever field you’re in. And, if you can’t find something…maybe you could start something! Finally, let me end by sharing one of the most provocative thoughts I heard, which came from Thomas Aquinas 800 years ago. His question to us is this: Is it possible that our battle wounds will somehow become glorious and beautiful? In heaven, will that which we perceive of as beautiful be virtue and character, not outward appearance? I love that! Wow!! Feeling ugly or deformed here on earth? I believe the day is coming when our spirits will shine out, and the measure of our beauty will be the radiance of Christ within us. Want to be beautiful? I do!

“Let the beauty of Jesus be seen in me
All His wonderful passion and purity
Oh, Thou Spirit divine, all my nature refine
Till the beauty of Jesus be seen in me.”
(~Albert Orsborn/Tom M. Jones)

“But the path of the just is as the shining light, that shineth more and more unto the perfect day” (Proverbs 4:18).

“And they that be wise shall shine as the brightness of the firmament; and they that turn many to righteousness as the stars for ever and ever” (Daniel 12:3).

(All photos from last week in North Carolina during the 2017 CMDA conference.)

Rise Up, My Love (226): Some Keys for Living in Harmony with Your Spouse

Song of Solomon 7:3 Two last thoughts before leaving this very sensitive, but critical subject. First, what if you are trying your hardest to do everything right, but your spouse is unresponsive or adversarial? The first and last step—as in all things—is to prayerfully look to the Lord for help and guidance. Some relationships are so damaged…some individuals are so emotionally disabled…that the marriage may need serious help from the outside—from trusted and respected counsel. But, sometimes the problems can be remedied by prayerfully studying some of the many marriage resources available.

One such book is Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages, which identifies some important ways of communicating love that people most appreciate. Whether it’s by kind words or deeds, the book guides you in finding out how to speak your spouse’s “love language” so that he/she will recognize and respond to your attempts to truly love in tangible ways. Learning to love in the ways your mate wants to be loved does not usually come naturally.

My husband likened marriage to inheriting a 747 jet without having taken pilot’s training. In the light of the 911 tragedy, we now also recognize that we need complete training…not just in how to take off and fly, but how to land without disaster. Believe me, today is better than never to try getting that training!

Love is a lifetime quest. A very wise and elderly pastor once said that he thought learning to love was like learning to paint, and that his life of loving his wife was like a long mural. At the beginning the strokes were clumsy and awkward, and it was hard to recognize what he was even trying to portray, but the more he practiced, the better the painting became. Isn’t that beautiful? And, isn’t that true?

Second, what if both partners are doing everything right to the best of their ability but there is still deep, unresolved tension? That may be the time to employ the advice Paul gave in I Corinthians 7:5, “Defraud ye not one another, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.” There may be rare times when your difficulties are so great that rather than joining physically, you should temporarily set aside normal physical needs (including eating!) and give yourselves wholly to prayer and fasting until God gives you the wisdom and peace you both need for the problem resolution process. Think of how quickly people would focus on solving their problems if they stopped eating food until they came to an agreement!

By the way, this is never an excuse for one partner to start sleeping on the couch, because they are supposed to be engaged together in fervent prayer. Also, the resolution never includes the option of permanent separation. Notice the last portion of the verse: “and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.” If you are going to deprive your spouse of sex, consider depriving yourself of food (or at least some food you love, like desserts or salty snacks) at the same time. That will give both partners a small reminder of how serious a matter sex is!

Do you have seemingly insurmountable disagreements? Just a few years ago, my husband and I did. We spent the first almost two decades of our marriage with my husband generally making decisions that I often sharply disagreed with and deeply resented. Instead of resolving problems, we just tried to bury them and “get over” it. As the wife, I was somehow expected to always cheerfully submit to and approve of his plans…but I didn’t! He ended up with a volcano on his hands…so touchy that every time the simplest problem arose, I blew up, because it reminded me of not only the insignificant conflict at hand, but of twenty or more past conflicts where I felt I had been treated unfairly. My trust and confidence in his leadership was down to just about “0.”

Because we didn’t really pray together over problems until we both felt peaceful that we had found God’s solution, I constantly felt that my husband was basing decisions on his own judgment and will, not God’s, and I became bitter over what I believed was intense selfishness on his part. I became so unhappy that I gladly would have left the marriage did I not have the firm conviction that God commands us to remain married…happy or miserable.

Somewhere during that time, the Lord opened my husband’s eyes to my misery and softened his heart, so that he truly did have a deep desire to try to make the marriage work. When we began trying to sort through all the problems that we’d buried, it looked like…not just a mountain…but a volcano. Some nights we stayed awake all night talking. We talked for hours…days…over a year. In fact, it took about two years to work through all the past hurts and find forgiveness and healing. It wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t quick, but it was worth all the pain. Of course, that wasn’t the end of our struggles. We’ve gone through deep valleys since that time too. At one point our problems were so severe we needed outside help for resolution and employed Christian counseling. Today, we have a very positive relationship, and instead of longing to be free, I feel like we must be some of the world’s “luckiest” (most blessed) people!

That doesn’t mean there aren’t any trials. Alan says we’re living in the “suburbs” of heaven…the closest thing to heaven on earth. Sometimes it seems almost like heaven, and sometimes a new problem will set us back to struggling again, but now at least we know that true problem resolution comes only through praying together until God brings both partners to peace. There is great strength in unity and harmony. “A threefold cord is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12). In such a state, the wife’s body will be open to her husband’s touch…as long as he remembers to treat her with the same gentleness he would accord a newborn fawn!  🙂

Rise Up, My Love (188): When Your Beloved Leaves

Song of Solomon 6:1 “Whither is thy beloved gone, O thou fairest among women? Whither is thy beloved turned aside? that we may seek him with thee.” “Whither is thy beloved gone?” That is a logical question. If he means so much to you, you must know where he went. How could you have lost track of him completely? Has this ever happened before? Where does your husband usually go when he leaves? Have you ever lost track of your husband at night? One such experience stands out vividly in my memory. It was early into the beginning of my husband’s solo medical practice. He only had one support person, who served as secretary, receptionist, nurse, and accountant, and between the two of them, they had to do everything that there was to do at his office. So, Alan was left at night to do all the clean up and paper work, and his last duty was to drop off any money that came in at the bank’s night deposit box. I always felt a little uncomfortable with his stopping at the bank each night, fearing that someone might notice and try to rob him. One night Alan called to say that he had to go to a meeting at the hospital and would be late. That was not uncommon, so I was disappointed but not unduly worried until after I’d put our four young children to bed for the night and found it was 11:00 p.m. and he still wasn’t home. I called his office, but there was no response. I tried to page him at the hospital, but he didn’t respond there either. By 11:30 p.m. I was fearing the worst, but I couldn’t leave the children alone. Finally, near tears, I called our next-door neighbors, who were old enough to be our parents and had become good friends. The husband asked me all the right questions…has this ever happened before? No! Where does he usually go? We discussed Alan’s normal patterns, and then my neighbor took off in his car to try to track Alan down. I waited on pins and needles. My neighbor was gone for an hour but could find no trace of him. I was about ready to call the police when Alan showed up…just fine and wondering why I wasn’t sound asleep. As it turned out, he’d returned to the office to do paper work after the meeting at the hospital and then had been called back to the hospital for an emergency admission for one of his patients. He hadn’t called to tell me because he was afraid I’d already be asleep and didn’t want to wake me.

He had no idea of the anxiety he’d caused! Thankfully, that was the first and last time he stayed out into the middle of the night without calling to let me know what had happened! Solomon probably could not have guessed the anguish in his wife’s heart as she searched for him. She had been lazy and careless…so slow to answer that he’d left without ever knowing she was even going to bother to get up and let him in. Where would he go? How could she guess? Where would your husband go if you locked him out? Where would you go if your husband refused to let you in the house at night?

I shudder to think of the foolish rebellion and sin that many fall into because their spouses refuse to forgive and forget…to go the extra mile…to give and receive love even when there’s stress and tension in the relationship. Where would you go? Where should you go? There’s only one right answer, and that’s to the arms of Jesus, the lover of our souls. No matter how we long to run to the arms of another human being, we must learn to run first— always and only—to the arms of God.

We are first and foremost his children and his bride. In an ultimate sense, we belong to no other. No matter who fails us, or how they fail us, we have no right to run to the arms of some other sympathetic person, no matter how wonderful or how understanding that person might be. So many of life’s tragedies could be avoided if we human beings would learn to run to the right arms. “The eternal God is thy refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms: and he shall thrust out the enemy from before thee” (Deuteronomy 33:27). May we memorize that verse until it burns into our hearts. The next time sorrow rips through your soul like a jagged streak of lightning, visualize yourself running to the arms of Jesus, comforted and secure in his embrace.

News with Views: Two of our Eagles Have Landed

Today is my dear daughter-in-law Grace’s 40th birthday. Happy Birthday, Grace!
What a gift she (and each of my in-law children) is to me! I feel so blessed! 🙂 I’m also happy to report that after six hard months of packing up and moving  from South Korea to Italy  via a 10-week training session in San Antonio, Texas,  where the kids learned what it means to be cowboys and cowgirls and Michael (Grace’s husband and my son) learned a lot about his job… —after months of living out of suitcases in cramped quarters— they’ve finally settled into an incredibly beautiful Italian villa that was built into the side of a mountain in the foothills of the Alps during the 1600’s  and now belongs to a count and countess!   So, two of my eagles have landed…at least for a few more years.  My Italian connection and news correspondent
(their oldest daughter, who’s 8 and an avid photo journalist like her Nana)  sent me some amazing photos of the statuary and views,
but I guess they haven’t gotten AP newswire release approval yet,  so I’m also using some photos from their recent trip to a conference in Germany, just to give you a little taste of European beauty. Who would have thunk?  I’ve got to say, life at its best is full of challenges, but I stand amazed  at yet another example of how God always gives us more than we deserve  and sometimes gives us so much more than we can even dream up!  I mean, Alan & I’ve been praying for months for “just the right” home for them,  but the place God has given them wasn’t even in my mental repertoire
of possibilities. What a gift! It’s Enchanted April in November. Thank you, Father; You’re unbelievably kind!

^{14 “}For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,¹⁵ Of whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named,¹⁶ That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man;¹⁷ That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love,¹⁸ May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height;¹⁹ And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.²⁰ Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,²¹ Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.” (Ephesians 3:14-21)

Rise Up, My Love (153): Trying to Cope with Marital Frustrations

Song of Solomon 5:4 “My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.” Since calling had not stirred his wife into action, the husband may have attempted to open the door for himself. According to Harry Ironside, ancient eastern locks were on the inside of the door, and there was an opening by the door where the owner might reach in and unlock the door from the inside. If this was true, it is unclear why he didn’t simply unlock the door and come in. Another eastern custom included the suitor leaving ointment on the door and flowers as a token of his affection if the loved one was not at home.* This might possibly account for the bride’s description of the myrrh on the handle of the lock in the next verse.

Whether the bridegroom reached his hand inside the door in an attempt to open it or merely to leave a gift of sweet-smelling ointment is uncertain, but what is central in the Scripture is the fact that the husband’s putting in his hand where she could see it was the final event that stirred her to action. First, he called to her, and then he reached out to her in a tangible way.

This is a good pattern for husbands. Is your wife’s heart asleep? Do you call to her and she does not answer? Have you tenderly appealed to her on the basis of your relationships? I think of how often through the course of my marriage I responded to my husband incorrectly: In the flesh. How often I’ve been guilty of appealing to him—not on the positive basis of our relationships, speaking gently to him in terms of highest affection and praise such as the bridegroom used with his wife—but negatively, criticizing him for all the ways in which he failed to live up to my expectations.

There is no hint of criticism in the husband’s language. Think of his plea: my kinsman, my spouse, my spiritual helpmate. In these we see him appeal to her body, her soul, and her spirit. His last appeal is almost shocking in light of her response. He calls her his “undefiled.” He sees her as pure and perfect.

Had she never failed him? Was she truly “undefiled?” Was she honestly that blameless? Did she deserve such praise? Her response to his tender pleadings must have broken his heart! If I were that husband, and held my wife in such high esteem, I would have been totally devastated and disillusioned to have reached out with great expectations, only to find her unmoved.

In Christ, we are complete. Robed in his righteousness, we are clean. Hidden in Christ, we are pure. Only in Christ can such marvelous things be said of us…and did not Christ himself say them, we would not dare to claim such praises for each other. But, if we can only learn to see through his eyes and think his thoughts…to view the present with his eternal perspective and understand the future as he knows it…on that basis, we can approach our mates with such tender praises. But, what if husbands do, and they are rejected, like the matchless bridegroom in the song?

Husband, does your wife disappoint you? Does she fail to meet your expectations? Do you find yourself constantly criticizing her…or biting your tongue because you feel critical? Nothing kills the desire to please like censure and displeasure, and even if it isn’t always verbalized, it’s almost always felt. Criticism is to the tender heart like killing frost to roses.

If you find yourself feeling critical and disgruntled, take it to the Lord. Here is the best way I know to deal with marital frustrations: #1. Make a list of all your expectations for your mate, and how she/he fails. #2. Take this list to the Lord in prayer—with all your heart—just once. Before you begin listing criticisms, be sure to ask the Lord to search your own heart for sin (Psalm 139:23) and spend some time being truly thankful for all the reasons you have to rejoice in Christ and your mate (Philippians 4:4,6). #3. Tenderly approach your mate with—not demands to change, but an explanation of how you feel and how these negative behaviors impact/trouble you, all the while reassuring your mate of your love for her/him and absolute commitment to continuing on in the marriage and learning to grow in love. #4. Ask your mate to prayerfully consider what the areas are in your own life that are causing her/him anxiety and frustration, and to bring them to you. #5. Tear your own list up and throw it away, laying the whole burden of your heartache on God’s altar and trusting him to either change your mate in his time and his way or else give you grace to accept your partner’s lacks as part of your cross. #6. Take seriously your mate’s response, trying to concentrate on changing yourself in the areas where she/he has expressed concern…focusing on getting the “beam” out of your own eye rather than looking at the “mote” in hers/his. #6 Take up your cross and follow Jesus. Don’t look back. Keep looking ahead.

(*Ironside, Harry A. Addresses on The Song of Solomon. Neptune: Loizeaux Brothers, Inc., 1973, pp.92-92)

Saying Goodbye: Facing the Loss of a Loved One

If you’re facing the holiday season with a heavy heart over the dreaded thought of losing of a loved one, I hope this post comforts you: Bruce and Lisa have been near and dear to us ever since those infamously brutal days of medical residency when Alan, Bruce, and Rick slogged it out as warriors in the cause of trying to save lives without losing their own. In Alan’s group of 13 interns who began the program in 1979, he and I were the only couple who started and ended married, but Bruce and Lisa (and Rick and Linda) were 2 couples who fell in love and married during those trying days—quite a feat and test of patience—and they’ve stayed together as shining lights of Christian faith and love ever since. In fact, the 3 guys started a practice together in Ann Arbor.

We all used to get together once a month for dinner, to sing, and to pray for our patients. (This is Aaron leaning on Bruce’s shoulder. You can see how at home our kids were with these two wonderful couples!)   The year Alan and I had our fifth baby (Daniel), both of these dear couples had their first baby…all boys! (Left: Karl; Middle: Daniel; Right: Ricky Jr.) 🙂   We had so much fun together! Bruce was like the Pied Piper to our kids, and Lisa was always a calm, nurturing, gentle influence.

Those were the “good, old days”…hard days but happy days. It was a sad day when we all parted ways. Alan and I made a “roots” move north; Bruce and Lisa moved to Wisconsin, where Bruce became an E.R. doctor; Rick became a pathologist in MI. But, because we’d developed such deep bonds of affection, we continued to keep in touch through Christmas letters and occasional visits. Time flies! In what seemed like no time at all, 30 years passed. Not too long ago, Lisa was diagnosed with colon cancer, and Bruce took her on a tour to visit all her friends and family while she was still well enough to enjoy/handle travel. That was one precious but bittersweet visit! I kept up with Lisa until just this past month, when she lost her strength for outside communication. Now we keep tabs for prayer and encouragement through Bruce.

In searching for materials to comfort a friend in the loss of her father as well as cope with my own impending loss of a Lisa, I found a wonderful little book by Cecil Murphy and Gary Roe, called Saying Goodbye: Facing the Loss of a Loved One. (Just checked Amazon; you can get a used copy for a dollar or a new one for $5.) I wanted to tell you “everything” I learned, but there’s too much. A few of the most poignant lessons for me were:

*Prepare yourself. Our culture denies death, but we need to embrace it, educate ourselves, and open ourselves up to deal with the pain, both individually and with our loved one. That front-loads the stress, but long term it’s very helpful.

*Make amends. “It’s not what you did, but what you do next.” Ask for forgiveness as needed and be open to receiving your loved one’s requests for forgiveness, but don’t confront them. Focus on the good times. Learn to forgive, even if your loved one has never experienced deep repentance for injuries! We will never understand all the ways in which we’ve hurt others and God, and yet God is merciful and loves us. May we pass forward his great kindnesses in our lives.

*Take care of yourself in the midst of your care giving. “Love your neighbor as yourself” (See Matthew 22:37-39, emphasis mine).  You cannot freely love others unless you have made peace with God and with yourself.  Learn about your limits. Your loved one depends on you, so don’t lose your own health. Think in terms of how to keep both of you afloat physically and emotionally.

*Be fully present with your loved one. Don’t avoid pain. Cry with them. Pray with them. Remember happy times together. Affirm them. Thank them. Tell them often that you love them, and what you love about them. Enjoy each day as much as you can, living in the present. Laugh with them. Focus on the positives, and look hopefully to the future (if you both are resting in Christ for your salvation and feel sure of heaven).

*Ask them to impart a blessing to you. They may know things about life that you need to learn. Cec offers 4 questions we can ask to start a conversation, but think about other questions to ask when you visit too. Here is Cec’s list:
1. What’s one thing you’d like me to remember?
2. What makes a successful life?
3. What 1 or 2 good things can you pass on about raising kids?
4. What are the biggest lessons I need to learn in life?

*Ask them to tell you their life story, beginning with childhood. This review can be a blessing to both of you, but it can also stir up problems that may need to be addressed. If you have a close relationship and are sensitive, you might be able to help the dying person makes amends with others or make sure they’re able to die with no regrets or unfinished business. A clear conscience and peace are critically important.

*When the time comes, most people need “permission” to die…they need to know that you will be okay without them. Center on their need to let go rather on your need to keep them. Let them know that God will take care of you (or ask God to take care of you if you haven’t, so that it is true). If they don’t have peace about dying, and you’re a believer, share the gospel with them. God is “not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance” (1 Peter 3:9).

The book has some synoptic lists on “Do’s and Don’ts to Prepare Yourself,”  “Comfort for Yourself and Your Family,” and how to cope with your grief following the death of your loved one with a list of resources to help the grieving heart, such as Gary Roe’s practical and inspirational website: “Good Grief” (www.garyroe.com).

So, if you’re struggling with the threat of impending death during this holiday season when you wish you could just be thinking about the joy of Jesus’ birth, consider giving yourself a gift: Face the loss of your loved one and learn how to say goodbye.

Let me know how I can pray for you, and I will.

“For God so loved the world, that He gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved” (John 3:16-17).