Category Archives: Psychology and Mental Health Issues

Baby Boomers Learning to Surf

Not long ago, Alan and I spent week in Hawaii on Waikiki Beach, but we weren’t really surfing those 30-foot waves that were rolling in on the North Shore. Alan attended the annual meeting for the American Association of Geriatric Psychiatrists. As part of his prep, he had to take a self-assessment to see how well informed he is concerning current trends in America, and he shared some of the interesting statistics with me. Those of us in our sixties (as Alan and I are) are surfing, but not on waves of water! We’re riding the crest of the tidal wave of Baby Boomers about to crash as a beach head here in America.   Did you know that some 10,000 Baby Boomers are passing age 65 every day now? Did you know that America now holds the record for the most centenarians in the world: 53,000 and counting?! America is producing sixty-one geriatric psychiatrists per year, which only fills 40% of the need. Who’s going to take care of us when we’re all demented?   Well, for one thing, we can be more pro-active in trying to take care of ourselves! According to current research, the most positive psychological predictors of successful aging include: “Resilience, optimism, personal mastery, coping self-efficacy, social engagement, spirituality and religiousity, and wisdom.” The single most valuable predictor of satisfaction is retirement is adequate social engagement (even trumping cognitive and financial issues).   A couple of psychiatrists at the meetings, who had retired after highly successful careers, were taken off guard by how quickly they went from being highly esteemed to feeling no longer valued by their professional colleagues. I’ve heard this so many times! I think it would be extremely wise for each of us, as we approach retirement (or even if you’ve already retired), to find a compelling avocation to pursue that will require us to continue being fruitful….giving, growing, and engaging with others socially and spiritually. Maybe, if we can continue working on areas of personal growth such as those listed above, and if we’re willing to pursue productivity even after we’ve retired, we’ll find that we can surf into old age with grace rather than being dashed to pieces under the crushing waves!

They shall still bring forth fruit in old age; they shall be fat and flourishing” (Psalm 92:14).

Good Friday: Practicing the Resurrection Principle

Are you anxious about some challenge in your life? Good Friday is the perfect time to remember the Resurrection Principle, which a friend shared with me from Reader’s Digest. By the way, do you ever read Reader’s Digest? My parents subscribed when I was a child, but I didn’t even know it was still in existence until I looked it up today on Wikipedia and read that it’s the largest paid circulation magazine in the world. So, maybe you’ve read all about the Resurrection Principle already, but if not, let me pass along what my friend suggested: “Prayerfully wait three days before becoming anxious about any problem, because most of the time, the problem will be resolved.”

At first I thought, “What? Usually only the most insignificant issues are resolved in three days unless it’s good news about a test or something.” As I considered the challenges in my life that tend to make me anxious, I felt like almost all of them are long-term, on-going difficulties which are out of my control and often take years to resolve. However, it occurred to me that Christ rose again after three days, and that’s the most significant resolution of any problem in the world!

So, like leprous Naaman in 2 Kings 5, I decided to try the Resurrection Principle and see what happened. I found that prayerfully waiting three days rarely brought a clear resolution that chased the clouds away and left me with no further need for faith or dependence on the Lord. However, as I practiced praying earnestly for three days before freaking out, I discovered that most problems were resolved in this way: I learned to lay them down at the feet of Jesus and find peace. It is completely worthwhile to follow 1 Peter 5:7, “Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.

Does God love us? Yes. Does God have the power to help us? Yes. Will God answer our prayers in a way that makes us more like Christ and brings glory to Himself? Yes. “He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?” (Romans 8:32).If you’re struggling with anxiety this Good Friday, why not start practicing the Resurrection Principle? Develop the habit of praying earnestly for three days before you allow yourself to give in to anxious thoughts. Hopefully, this will keep you from jumping on the anxiety roller coaster at all, and perhaps you, like me, will more often be able to find a sense of serenity and rest even in the midst of life’s battles, knowing that God loves us, hears us, and will answer our prayers! Let’s allow the resurrection power and ministry of Christ to flood our souls with light in the darkness, transforming us from anxious souls into spiritual beings.

The Lord is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him” (Lamentations 3:25).

Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord” (Psalm 27:14).

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint” (Isaiah 40:31).

(Thanks to Bob Hardee for the two photos with scripture verses imprinted on them!)



Open Communication About Alcoholism

Did you know that alcoholism rose 49% from 2000-2010 in America? By 2015, it was reported in Newsweek that one in seven adults had struggled with a serious alcohol problem that year, and that 30% have suffered an “alcohol-use disorder” over the course of their lifetime.* Everybody’s talking about the epidemic of drug overdose, but in reality alcohol takes more than twice as many lives each year.

My oldest son, Aaron, works for the same company as David Flink and sent me a link to his blog. I think it’s probably the best first-person article I’ve ever read on the subject of alcoholism, and if you like to drink or know anyone who does, please read this!

My name is David Flink, I’m a leader in tech, and I’m an alcoholic

David Flink

Woah, let’s put some boundaries around that statement, shall we? No one died, I didn’t burn down the mall, I managed to keep my career going and function at a high level. Yet the fact remains, I’m an alcoholic; a recovering alcoholic thanks to timely intervention and an incredible support team, but an alcoholic nonetheless.

A quick note before we get started. As I discussed the publication of my story with family, friends and co-workers past and present, many of them asked why I felt a need to publish it in the first place. I’ve given this a lot of thought. First, the label doesn’t scare me. As a high-functioning alcoholic, you very quickly learn to identify others fighting their own demons. There are many, and I look forward to advocating for those in my industry suffering from substance abuse. Second, the vast majority of people I opened up to privately already knew or suspected something; a solid reminder that no matter how much of a smooth operator you think you are, you’re likely not fooling anyone. I hope this article puts the concerns of others who knew or suspected to rest.

A recent study shows one in eight American adults is an alcoholic.

It will probably not surprise you the tech industry is heavy on the alcohol (I’m sure this goes for other industries, too; looking at you, Finance). Between launch events, dinners, farewells, parties, off-sites, trips and just late-night hanging around, there was always an opportunity to drink something. I’m not here to lay waste to that culture; many of my peers have a perfectly healthy relationship with alcohol. For a variety of reasons, headlined by some 30 years of unprocessed emotions, I did not, and chances are you may not either. I’m sharing my story to show you there’s a way out. That the path out isn’t easy, I’m not going to lie, but that life on the other side is healthier and clearer, and that you can hit me up here on LinkedIn (or on Twitter: @knilf_i_am) if you ever just need encouragement or to talk to a stranger-who-could-be-a-friend.

I pretty much stopped drinking beer by the time I left college, and over the years I developed an absolutely toxic intolerance to wine (this may have been a good moment to stop). A decade or so ago I discovered my two great liquid loves: first gin & tonic (Hendricks and cucumber, thank you), later tequila (too many to name, but Don Julio Blanco and Patron Silver on the rocks with lime were staples). The better events serve both, the best events will happily look the other way while continuing to serve you. I think we can all agree beer-and-wine-only events are the worst.

Drinking managed to numb my emotions almost immediately (I’ve been fighting depression since roughly the age of 10), taking off the highs and lows without some of the drawbacks of medication. Life rapidly became about maintaining a drinking schedule; at least 4 daily double drinks (mostly) after business hours to function and not feel, Pedialyte at night (a pro-tip from your friend David), Advil and eye drops to get going in the morning. On the weekends and on vacations, anything went.

My rigid schedule kept my career on the rails (courtesy of my project management skills paying off in an unexpected way), and I believe that when the cracks did begin to show (they always do), my organizational velocity encouraged most people to look the other way. (On that note: don’t. “If you see something, say something” applies to substance abuse, too. Look around you. I know I will going forward.) Three people talked to me about my alcohol use. One got through to me. It only really took one.

My decision to give up drinking was inspired by this conversation and two other things. First and foremost, my kids, who had memorized my drink order at ages 12 and 7. Second, drinking felt like work, something my peers will happily tell you I’m allergic to. Deviating from the drinking schedule had heinous consequences, my body reacting violently to any unannounced changes. Managing my body’s destruction became increasingly difficult, and all the fun associated with having a drink was long gone.

In the opening paragraph I casually mentioned no one died. This is actually a small miracle. I’ve blacked out on more than one occasion, and I’ve found myself in a variety of situations (to be clear: all outside of work) in which in hindsight my life was in acute danger.

Yet no one died and so, in December of 2017, I made the decision to first cut back, then stop drinking within a matter of days. I had a couple of “farewell” drinks with good friends (these turned out to be incredibly important, as they formed somewhat of a formal ending to my drinking period), I informed a small but dedicated group of people of my intent to stop (I cannot stress the importance of this enough), I started walking around a lot just listening to music and I started working out again. I survived weeks of absolutely insane headaches and insomnia (told you: not easy), followed by a wild (wild!) period of roller coaster-like emotions and feelings. This last part, by the way, is something I’d highly recommend to anyone, I just don’t know how to trigger it without going full alco for a while. (Don’t.) As of now, I’m 100% sober, and the fog in my head I’ve walked around with for years has started to lift.

It’s too early to declare victory, if that’s ever even possible. As with cigarettes when I quit smoking, I know I can’t ever have a drink again. This is daunting; for years, my social self has revolved largely around alcohol and I genuinely liked (and was interested in) tequila and gin. I’m taking things one day at a time, talking about events long suppressed, reconnecting with old friends and consuming godless amounts of mineral water. I’m confident I’ll be ok (and with me, the Perrier and San Pellegrino people).

If any of this sounds familiar to you (bonus symptoms: jitters, cold sweats, sober slurring, lapses in your memory), there’s help out there. The NIAAA has some excellent resources, Alcoholics Anonymous has meetings all over the US and Canada (by phone: 212-870-3400) and your company may offer an internal or external support group. Your doctor, therapist and health insurance company will also be able to help, as will friends (this includes your work friends), family and this random dude on LinkedIn.

Let me remind you to consult with a medical professional if you’re considering giving up alcohol, especially if you’ve been hitting it hard for a while. Quitting cold turkey may have some unintended side effects (including, you know, organ failure and death).

I hope you find the strength to be honest with yourself, and wish you the best of luck on your journey.

PS. Don’t worry, you can still get your freak on with a glass of water in your hand, even though it may take you a little longer to start dancing. That’s probably for the best.

 

Thank you, David! For the original blog or more insightful articles by David Flink, check out his blog:   https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/my-name-david-flink-im-leader-tech-alcoholic-david-flink/

*http://www.newsweek.com/30-percent-americans-have-had-alcohol-use-disorder-339085

If You’re Ever Feeling Alone, Remember They Were Single Too

Happy Valentines’ Day, or as my son Jonathan used to lament when he was single, “Happy Singles Awareness Day.” I hope if you’re single, you’re not lonely, but I think loneliness is something all of us either experience or dread. Despite Alan’s pronouncement that my sister and I were a “far-out pair of old maids” when I turned twenty-one, Alan and I got married when we were twenty-two, so I never really worried much about being a career single. However, as Alan and I approach the magic “three score and ten,” there’s a sinister dread of becoming a widow that lurks like a dark cloud at the edges of my peripheral vision.

It’s hard to live without somebody special in your life, isn’t it? When you’re young, it’s scary to go off to college alone, start a new job alone, or try to find an apartment or church in a new city alone. Let’s face it, being single and alone is probably one of the biggest challenges we face in life, and if we’re now married and not feeling lonely at the moment, there’s nearly a 100% chance that either we or our beloved mates are going to end up single and alone at some point in the future, because few couples die at the same time. Right?   They Were Single Too is a really encouraging look into singleness based on the lives of eight single men and women in the Bible who had unique ministries that have blessed every succeeding generation since…but could never have happened were they happily married and busy rearing families. Along the way, author David M. Hoffeditz also shares insights from his own years as a single man who ardently wished for a wife but learned to wait patiently on the Lord. One of my favorites (among his insights) concerned the story of Martha and Mary. I’ve always felt a little sorry for Martha, slaving away while her sister was enjoying Jesus’ undistracted fellowship. But, listen to this! “Her perspective was skewed as she lost sight of who was in her midst. Martha’s comments are almost humorous. She was concerned about feeding fewer than two dozen, whereas Jesus had fed five thousand!” Why haven’t I ever thought of that? Martha could have sat at Jesus’ feet too, because Jesus would have fed everybody! How often do I fret and fuss when I should be resting in Jesus and asking his help?!!

Hoffeditz also shares a host of timeless quotes written by wise men and women who were single. One that captivated me in particular was this one by Mary Slessor, a single missionary: “Eternal life comprises everything the heart can yearn after.” Mixed in with all the encouraging wisdom and insights are a few moments of Hoffeditz humor: “The Lord allows all of us to experience a time of singleness. As Paul clearly indicates, our response to this gift is our decision. Many are ready to take their gift to the local pawnshop or throw it unopened in to the closet in hopes that it’ll be forgotten.”

If you’re feeling lonely, or find yourself dreading the prospect of future loneliness, this book can help you find the silver lining in the clouds. And, for anyone who reads this, I hope your Valentines’ Day is blessed, beautiful, and not lonely!! Hugs!And they say unto her, Woman, why weepest thou? She saith unto them, Because they have taken away my Lord, and I know not where they have laid him. And when she had thus said, she turned herself back, and saw Jesus standing, and knew not that it was Jesus. Jesus saith unto her, Woman, why weepest thou? whom seekest thou? She, supposing him to be the gardener, saith unto him, Sir, if thou have borne him hence, tell me where thou hast laid him, and I will take him away. Jesus saith unto her, Mary” (John 20:13-16). As St. Augustine pointed out, “There’s a God-sized hole in every heart.” Let God fill it!

Rise Up, My Love (273): Of Flames and Fountains

Song of Solomon 8:6 “Jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame.” Fifteen years ago, when I wrote this commentary, I spent nearly a year on this verse alone, I guess because there was so much road repair that had to be done spiritually in my life in order to move on. I am reminded of the verses in Isaiah 62:10 and 40:3: “Prepare ye the way of the people; cast up, cast up the highway; gather out the stones; lift up a standard for the people,” and, “Prepare ye the way of the Lord, make straight in the desert a highway for our God.”   I had been moving along, trying to build a straight road for my Lord, when all of a sudden a found a huge boulder blocking the path! The stumbling stone was misplaced affection. I was expecting others to remain perfectly loyal to me through thick and thin, and I was allowing failure to unravel me. This is wrong.

We must keep our eyes on Christ at all times and our relationship with him paramount. It is true that friends and spouses are to remain faithful, but it is inevitable that all people will be faced with the temptation to be unfaithful, and people respond very differently to this type of challenge. Our job as a spouse is to address evil with compassionate firmness without sinning ourselves.   The amazing thing is the power of sin to breed sin. Proverbs 6:24 reminds us that “jealousy is the rage of a man: therefore he will not spare in the day of vengeance.” If our eyes get off the Lord and on to our spouse, the partner’s failure is a tremendous catalyst for us to yield to some sin…be it unfaithfulness, or unholy anger, pride, hatred, revenge, or a host of other evils. “Be ye angry and sin not” (Ephesians 4:26). For years I was troubled by a spirit of jealousy (Numbers 5:14).   Sometimes my jealousy was justified, and sometimes it was not, but it caused me constant pain, and my husband—for whatever reasons—was unwilling or unable to reassure me when I would doubt him. Truly, jealousy is cruel as the grave. The heat of it sparked in me a fire of wrath and hatred that I’ve never experienced in any other situation. It may seem a trite saying to repeat, “If you play with fire, you’re sure to get burned,” but jealousy is a wild fire which burns like Sheol…like the fires of hell…like the continuous burning, smoldering fires of gehenna, the garbage dump outside Jerusalem. “The coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame.” Surrender your jealousy to God and make Him the center of your affections. If your love for everyone else is like “hatred” by comparison, then you’ll always be able to love God and others freely. But, if you allow any other person to become the focus of your greatest concern and attention, you will end up with a misplaced affection that robs you of peace and joy, and you will end up feeling volcanic anger toward the person you thought you “loved” when they fail you. God alone is the source of true love and the fountainhead of unsullied joy.(P.S.—I’m happy to be able to share with you that today Alan and I are doing very well in our marriage. He is a loyal and reassuring husband, and I’m very glad to be married to him!)

Rise Up, My Love (272): How to Help Someone Who Strays

Song of Solomon 8:6 “Jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire…” For any of you reading this, I expose my own sins and errors—not so that you will condemn me (God chastened me severely!)—but so that you might avoid my mistakes. The right response to having my conscience violated would have been to totally sever my connections with this young man, because he was not living in submission to God.

Although your heart (like mine) may desire to see all men come to repentance and be restored to fellowship in the spirit of Galatians 6:1, if you find that a friend is starting to violate your boundaries, drop the friendship immediately! Let God be God in their life. You cannot “rescue” such a person, and you will fail if you try. Dropping a friendship is the strongest statement you can make, and it is also the most helpful thing you can do—believe it or not! It is especially helpful if you are able to do it in love, clearly articulating your grief and reasoning, because that conveys to the friend, “I care about you, but if you want our relationship to be restored, you must restore your relationship with God first, and you must learn to respect my boundaries and needs.”

This does not include married “friends.” Once you’re married, you have become half of a unit and giving up on your relationship will damage rather than help your spouse (and yourself, as painful as remaining in an unhappy marriage is). “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Mark 10:9).

However, do not let someone drown you. Jesus is the lifeguard, and he is on duty! If someone you love dearly is entangled in a web of sin, cry out to God for help in unceasing, intercessory prayer, but do not compromise yourself in an effort to untangle that person. As Bob Jones (president of my alma mater) used to say to us in chapel, “It’s never right to do wrong in order to get a chance to do right.” But, what can you do? Look again at Galatians 6:1. “Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.”

Notice that this is a group—not an individual—effort. What is the appropriate way to deal with a friend who is falling away from Christ and has offended you? Read Matthew 18:15-17. #1. Confront him personally, as friend to friend. If that doesn’t work, #2. Go with several friends and confront him. If that doesn’t work, #3. Treat him like an unbeliever. Ephesians 5:11 warns, “And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them.” Even Paul gave up on professing Christians who were living in disobedience (see I Timothy 1:20).

Don’t be afraid to “let go and let God” take over. He is able. Have you entrusted yourself to him? You can entrust others to him also, even if they are rejecting him! It’s funny how we learn things for ourselves and then struggle in understanding how to apply the same principles in our relationship with those we love! I have seen a number of parents live godly, separated lives themselves but struggle when it threatens to separate them from their children. Is God less able to care for their children than he is able to care for them? Many do not have the faith to actually break fellowship with a rebellious adult son or daughter, choosing a compromising friendship over standing with God against open sin.

This is not love and actually aids Satan in his destructive plans. We need to understand that there are few things in this world as the powerful as the separation from, and the disapproval of, those we love. Frankly, I have never known of such an unhappy, compromising alliance to have a happy ending, although God is very merciful, so it has doubtless happened. God’s call is for us to take an unswerving stand with him against those who rebel against him.

It takes tremendous faith and courage, but God will honor those who honor him, and I can tell you one true story where the parents stood with God and it turned out right. I have dear friends who had three wonderful sons. The middle son, during his late teens, fell in love with a somewhat older woman and decided to marry her even though she was an unbeliever and divorced. For the sake of the story, I will call him Will. The parents and two brothers reasoned with Will through the Scriptures and prayed with many tears, but all their pleading fell on deaf ears, and he was more determined than ever to go through with his plans.

When the family saw that Will simply could not be persuaded, they sat down as a family and told him that although they would always love him, they could not fellowship with him as long as he was intent on pursuing a marriage with this unbelieving divorcee because they felt he was resisting God’s will according to the standard of “be not unequally yoked together with unbelievers” (2 Corinthians 6:14), and “whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery” (Matthew 5:32), leaving them no option but to “come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord” (2 Corinthians 6:17).

The next months seemed like years to that dear family, especially the mom. They loved Will deeply and anguished…perhaps more than he did…over the separation. I don’t know what happened, or why, but I do know that eventually Will gave up his girlfriend, and now—twenty-five years later—he’s married to a sweet Christian woman who is a joy to the whole family. I’m certain that Will is happy today because God worked in response to the faithful love and fervent prayers of his family, but I also think that somewhere along the way Will realized that his God and his family meant more to him than his girlfriend, and he decided that separation from them was more painful than losing his girlfriend’s affection. Our closest companions will always have the greatest influence. Be sure to always be there for your family…but always stand with God for good!

The Art of Life

How is your January coming? Have you noticed that it takes a certain amount of leisure to be meditative and creative? I have to confess that between all the marvelous company (beginning November 21 and lasting into January, which made me extremely happy but exhausted) and a strangling cold that wouldn’t relinquish its grip until Alan and I went on a two-week cruise through the Panama Canal (where we rested in healing, sunny, 82° sea breezes)…until these past two months came and went, I’ve been so focused on living that there’s been precious little time for meditative reflection or writing. Have you also noticed how valuable it is to take a step back from your daily routines every once in a while to gain perspective and recalibrate your spirit?  During our break, I was encouraged by these words from Leonardo da Vinci: “Every now and then go away, have a little relaxation, for when you come back to your work your judgment will be surer, since to remain constantly at work will cause you to lose power of judgment…Go some distance away because then the work appears smaller and more of it can be taken in at a glance, and lack of harmony or proportion is more readily seen.”*  Isn’t that the truth…not only for the creative genius of a Renaissance man, but for the creative art of making our lives a work of beauty and goodness?   I’m well, refreshed and ready to begin anew. Here is my first offering…a little poem that came to me while enjoying this peaceful Pacific sunrise last week:

Light

I long to write a poem:
Simple.
Elegant.
Filled with God.

Even more, I long to be a poem:
So filled with light that all are drawn to the Light.
So beautiful that those who draw near are also warmed and filled.
So deep that even eternity will not end our unity.

If we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.
(1 John 1:7)

 Jesus prayed, “I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, as thou hast loved me” (John 17:23).

(*The three middle photos weren’t taken in Central America but from a different vacation, with our two youngest sons, while visiting da Vinci’s residence in Amboise, France known as Clos Lucé.)