What Does Your Church Have to Say?

Every once in a while, I have friends who forward emails that make me laugh and brighten up my day. In honor of the snow beginning to fall here in Michigan (unseasonably early, I think! ūüė¶ ), I thought you might enjoy a few laughs too!

(This church must be in Florida! ūüôā )

And my personal favorite (because it’s so true, not because it’s so funny):

Now the goal of our instruction is love that comes from a pure heart, a good conscience, and a sincere faith” (1 Timothy 1:5, HCSB translation of our Bible).

Birthday Jokes and Joys

“Old age is like a plane flying through a storm.
Once you’re aboard, there’s nothing you can do” (Golda Meir).

Throughout the year, I collect a few choice jokes about aging,
because‚ÄĒin fact‚ÄĒI am definitely aging!! Last week we celebrated my 69th birthday, which is getting dangerously close to the big 7-0, and I think I’ll be on the visiting team on that scoreboard! ūüė¶

Yes! I remember being three and getting three cents each week for my allowance . . . which I always spent on penny candy from the corner store!

Along with millions of my Baby Boomer age mates, I’m quickly passing from “getting older” to just plain being old! Yikes! Where has the time gone?

Losing hair may not be your problem, but if you’re over sixty, you might identify with something on this list:

Alan and I definitely complain of having “goldfish” brains
and depend on one another to double-check our thinking.

Along with the funny cartoons that keep us laughing lest we cry, I occasionally find some really valuable advice, and here are a few of my favorites:

“When granted many years of life, growing old in age is natural, but growing old with grace is a choice. Growing older with grace is possible for all who will set their hearts and minds on the Giver of grace, the Lord Jesus Christ” (‚ÄĒBilly Graham).

Those that are planted in the house of the LORD shall flourish in the courts of our God. They shall still bring forth fruit in old age; they shall be vigorous and flourishing to show that the LORD is upright; he is my rock, and there is no unrighteousness in him” (Psalm 92:13-15, Jubilee Bible 2000).

Word Play for Summer Fun

¬†Just in case you’re bored this summer or need a few jokes for kids…
Define:

1. ARBITRAITOR                       A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s

2.     BERNADETTE                   The act of torching a mortgage

3.     BURGLARIZE                    What a crook sees through

4.     AVOIDABLE                      What a bullfighter tries to do

5.     EYEDROPPER                  Clumsy ophthalmologist

6.     CONTROL                         A short, ugly inmate

7.     COUNTERFEITER              Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

8.     ECLIPSE                           What an English barber does for a living

9.     LEFT BANK                       What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money

10.    HEROES                          What a man in a boat does

11.    PARASITES                      What you see from the Eiffel Tower

12.    PARADOX                        Two physicians

13.    PHARMACIST                   A helper on a Farm 

14.    POLARIZE                        What penguins see through

15.    PRIMATE                          Remove your spouse from in front of TV

16.    RELIEF                             What trees do in the spring

17.    RUBBERNECK                 What you do to relax your wife

18.    SELFISH                          What the owner of a seafood store does

19.    SUDAFED                        Brought litigation against a government official

20.    PARADIGMS                    Twenty Cents

Thou hast set all the borders of the earth:
thou hast made summer and winter
” (Psalm 74:17).
The ants are a people not strong,
yet they prepare their meat in the summer
” (Proverbs 30:25).

Got Time for Some Funny Puns?

You may have seen this forward already, but I hadn’t, so I’m passing it along to you, just in case you need something to make you smile:

“Lexophile” is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as ‚Äúyou can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish” or “to write with a broken pencil is pointless.” A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.

This year’s winning submission is posted at the very end.

… When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.¬†

… A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.¬†

… When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.¬†

… The batteries were given out free of charge.

… A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

… A will is a dead giveaway.¬†

… With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

… A boiled egg is hard to beat.¬†

… When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.¬†

… Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.¬†

… Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? ¬† He’s all right now.¬†

… A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.

… When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.¬†

… The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.¬†

… He had a photographic memory which was never developed.¬†

… When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.¬†

… Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.¬†

And the cream of the twisted crop:

… Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN; ¬†IT’S CHEAP MEDICINE!

     This last photo is used by permission of Robert Hardee. Thank you, Bob!

 

Birthday Bliss (or Not)

Alan has taken me somewhere very special and unusual for my birthday (out of town sans cell phone), so I won’t be home to soak up all the kindness of friends and relatives, chat on the phone, or even hit the “like” button on Face Book! Still, I wanted to let you know that you’re ever in my heart and prayers, and so I decided to prepare a few jokes so we could share some smiles today anyway!

YES!!This is in honor of all my friends who‚ÄĒlike me‚ÄĒstruggle with weight!This is especially for my daughter, four daughter-in-laws, nieces, and all young friends who are bravely rearing babies today! This one is a direct hit for me. Don’t know how the rest of you feel!¬† Here’s one for my hubby and all you health-care professionals! This one’s not so funny with all the hurricanes disrupting America’s millions of alligators. May you meet no crocodiles or alligators either later or in a while. ūüė¶(This in honor of my son Stephen, who just passed his PhD comprehensive exams in musicology. Way to go, Stephen!)This is especially for my son Joel, who works as an editor,¬†my daughter,¬† my writers’ group buddies and all fellow writers, lovers of good books and movies! Never thought of this one, but doesn’t it make you laugh?! …In honor of all my fellow Baby Boomers
who are developing gold-fish brains like Alan’s and mine. Anybody singing in a choir these days?¬† ūüôā Here’s another one for the birthday girl (me).And, for all you fans of super hero movies…and Jesus!

 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. (John 3:16-18)

Ready for a Coffee Break?

I woke up this morning with a headache, which is extremely rare for me, but I wondered if a cup of coffee might cure it. However, my health insurance requires a fasting cholesterol, which was this morning, so there was to be no coffee or tea for me until after my blood draw! I survived, and I’m feeling fine without any socially acceptable chemical dependence, but it reminded me of all the funny coffee jokes my friend Sarah E. puts on her Face Book page. If you love coffee as much as I do, I hope you’ll take a two-minute coffee break and enjoy these!… . Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace.
(1 Peter 4:8-10)

(Thank you, Sarah E., for sharing so many fun things to make others laugh! Truly, laughter is good medicine!)

Church Ladies With Typewriters

This came as a forward from a cousin. It really made me laugh, so I’m going to share it with you, although I don’t know who the original author is. If it’s YOU (whoever you are), please let me know so I can give you credit or link it to you. Thanks!

They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:¬†¬†¬†

————————–

The Fasting & Prayer Conference  includes  meals. 

————————–¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 

————————–

The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.”
The sermon¬†tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

————————–

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

————————–
Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.¬†
————————-¬†

Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.¬†

————————–

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.¬†

————————–¬†¬†

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 

————————–¬†

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 

————————–¬†

At the evening service¬†tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

————————-

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

————————–¬†

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

————————–¬†

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. 

————————–

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM Рprayer and medication to follow.

————————–¬†

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 

————————–¬†

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 

————————–¬†

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 

————————–¬†

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet  Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door. 

————————–

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespear.

Gotta love ’em, right? At least they’re trying! ūüôā

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends…
(1 Corinthians 13:4-8, ESV)