Category Archives: Humor

Waiting for Baby

I’m waiting for a baby again,
But it’s not nearly as hard as it was when
I was waiting for my own, because even though I don’t know how long it will take,
I know it’s not exactly my body that’s at stake.
Nevertheless, it is the body of my son’s wife,
And for them…I would give my own life,
So it’s still very stressful, particularly since last time was more nightmarish than dreamy,
And they ended up with a 1.5-pound micro-preemie.
Still, their first baby is now a happy, chappy two-year-old,
Who might sass his mom but so far for me has been good as gold.
However, I get P.T.S.D. at the mere thought of babysitting
And every time I even think about it I break out in a sweat and imagine quitting
Before I even arrive at their door
Which will doubtless happen more and more
Because the more babies you have, the more help you need,
And even though it might be easier to lay down my life than do a good deed,
I’m pretty sure what they’re going to need are more good deeds
Rather than a grandmother  in absentia without any leads.
BTW, am I the only grandmother out there who’s paranoid of crying toddlers?
Are the rest of you seasoned babysitters and able toddler jogglers?
Maybe it comes from being the baby in my family and my dad hiring me to grade college exams for more than people paid babysitters,
Or maybe it comes from never having any time off for thirty years when my own seven kids were wild and woolly little kidders.
Whatever the source of my anxiety, you couldn’t pay me to watch kids for a mountain of cash,
But I’ll do it for love’s sake…though I’d feel more at ease spending an afternoon with Ogden Nash.

(You guessed it, I wrote this while my daughter-in-law was in labor on April 18, 2017. On the bright side, I won the family guessing game concerning what day the baby would be born!  🙂  )

Sing unto the Lord, O ye saints of his, and give thanks at the remembrance of his holiness. For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning” (Psalm 30:4-5).

(P.S.—Actually, Sammy’s being a doll for me, and we’re doing just fine!)

God is Like…

This is a forward from my cousin, Jim, and I have no clue where it originated, but it really made me smile, so I’m passing it along. If any of you know who the teacher is, please let me know so I can give proper credit! Thanks.

A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in 20 ways to communicate ideas about God.

Here are some of the results:

God is like
BAYER ASPIRIN
He
works miracles.
God is like
A FORD
He’s
got a better idea.
God is like
COKE
He’s
the real thing.
God is like
HALLMARK CARDS
He
cares enough to send His very best.
God is like
TIDE
He
gets the stains out others leave behind.
God is like
GENERAL ELECTRIC
He
brings good things to life.
God is like
WALMART
He
has everything.
God is like
ALKA-SELTZER
Try
Him, you’ll like Him!
God is like.
SCOTCH TAPE
You
can’t see Him, but you know He’s there.
God is like
DELTA
He’s
ready when you are.
God is like
ALLSTATE
You’re
in good hands with Him.
God is like
VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.
God is like
DIAL SOAP
Aren’t
you glad you have Him? Don’t you wish everybody did?
God is like
The
U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from
His appointed destination.
God is like
Chevrolet
He’s
the heartbeat of America.
God is like
Maxwell House
Good to the very last drop.
God is like
B
o u n t y
He is the quicker picker upper, can handle the tough jobs,
And He won’t fall apart on you.
God is like
The Energizer Bunny
He keeps going, going, and going.

Every day I will bless you and praise your name forever and ever. Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised, and his greatness is unsearchable. One generation shall commend your works to another, and shall declare your mighty acts” (Psalm 145:2-4, ESV).

 

 

Poems from Friends for NaPoMo 2017

“We never have to hold our feelings inside. Whether we express ourselves through speech, poetry, or photography, every one of us has a voice with something of value to say. Now, we can be heard.”~ Brandon Fernandez, who as a teenager founded “Expressions,” a program designed to teach young children how to express themselves through poetry and photography.

So, today I want to share two poems submitted by friends, one original, and the other by the famous poet, Ogden Nash. It’s not too late to send me a poem! There are still three weeks left in April!  🙂

Title: “When Grey Clouds Gather”

Author: John Tobasco
Date Written: 7/16/2016

“When grey clouds gather and cover your sky,Just put on your wings and fly up real high. Above those grey clouds you’ll find brilliant blue, So lift up your head and look for a clueOf things not yet here and others gone by.

And when you look down to those on the groundRemember the times when you weren’t found, And think of the times when you couldn’t find Anything that resembled real peace of mind,And all the people that helped you touch down.

And, here’s a poem to make you smile (or wince):Author: Ogden Nash  (but shared with us by Linda Davis)
THIS IS GOING TO HURT JUST A LITTLE BIT

“One thing I like less than most things is sitting in a dentist chair with my mouth wide open.
And that I will never have to do it again is a hope that I am against hope hoping.
Because some tortures are physical and some are mental,
But the one that is both is dental.
It is hard to be self possessed
With your jaw digging into your chest,
so hard to remain calm
When your fingernails are making serious alterations in your life line or love line or some other important line in your palm,
So hard to give your usual cheerful effect of benignity,
When you know your position is one of the two or three in life most lacking in dignity
And your mouth is like a section of road that is being worked on
And it is cluttered up with stone crushers and concrete mixers and drills and steam rollers and there isn’t a nerve in your head that isn’t being jerked on.
Oh, some people are unfortunate to be worked on by all thumbs,
And others have things done to their gums,
And your teeth are supposed to be polished
But you have reason to believe they are being demolished.
And the circumstances that add to your terror
Is that it’s all done with a mirror,
Because the dentist may be a bear, or as the Romans used to say, only they were referring to a feminine bear when they said it, an ursa,
But all the same how can you be sure, when he takes his crowbar in one hand and mirror in the other, that he won’t get mixed up, the way you do when you try to tie a bow tie with the aid of a mirror, and forget that left is right and vice versa.
And then at last he says, “That will be all”, but it isn’t because he then coats your mouth from cellar to roof
With something I suspect is generally used to put a shine on a horse’s hoof.
And you totter to your feet and think, Well it’s over now, and after all it was only this once,
And he says, “Please come back in three months.”
And this, O Fate, is I think the most vicious woe that thou ever sentest,
That Man has to go continually to the dentist to keep his teeth in good condition,
When the chief reason he wants his teeth to be in good condition is:  so that he won’t have to go the dentist.”

      Finally, here’s a little poetry from the Bible’s book of Psalms:1  “I lift up my eyes to the hills.
    From where does my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
    who made heaven and earth.
The Lord is your keeper;
    the Lord is your shade on your right hand.
The Lord will keep you from all evil;
    he will keep your life.
The Lord will keep
    your going out and your coming in
    from this time forth and forevermore.” (Psalm 121, selected verses, ESV)

(Thank you to my son, Daniel, and his dental team for the last photo. The others were taken on my last trip to Hawaii.)

Groundhog Day Giddies

ground-hog-dayIn honor of Groundhog Day and the prospects of 6 more weeks of winter, getting-to-know-youI thought a few good jokes might brighten our scans! marajuanaEvery once in a while I get cartoons passed along that make me laugh, the-children-of-israel-with-cell-phonesand I just need to share them!  birds-need-potty-breaks-tooToday is one of those days. o-c-d Hope you enjoy!  biscuits-and-gravyHere’s lookin’ at you, Rick,tire-pressure-tool and here’s one for your sweet wife, Cheryl (or me). bearsHere’s one for my dear friend Sarah up in Alaska, whose husband actually saved a man’s life by shooting the bear who attacked him.  smart-car-and-a-smart-aleckAnd here’s one for my son Michael and all lovers of especially small cars.
(Some of these jokes are only funny if you don’t think about them too hard.) trying-to-pound-sense-into-someoneSome jokes are funny but make a serious point & could be used against any of us. greatest-accomplishmentAnd, some cartoons are pretty much right on for all of us! 🙂

“Even a fool, when he holds his peace, is counted wise:
and he that shuts his lips is esteemed a man of understanding”

(Proverbs 17:28).

Public Thoughts on the Secret Life of Walter Mitty

the-secret-life-of-walter-mitty-coverReady for a little comic relief? If you’re a movie aficionado, you may have seen The Secret Life of Walter Mitty when it was released two years ago. If you’re a movie snob…then you wouldn’t call yourself that, you’d call yourself a film critic, but anyway, you might have bypassed this one because it only garnered a 51% on Rotten Tomatoes and 54% on Metacritic. the-secret-life-of-walter-mitty-great-photography-from-icelandHowever, someone recommended it as fun and clean (PG, although there is some profanity 😦 ), with stunning photography from Greenland, Iceland, and Central Asia, so I was intrigued. the-secret-life-of-walter-mitty-photography-from-greenlandAfter watching it, I think it totally deserves the 7.3 rating from IMDb. If you remember reading James Thurber’s short story by the same name (which was a staple in high schools a zillion years ago), you get the gimmick, which is a dull-appearing dude with an overactive fantasy life. the-secret-life-of-walter-mitty-ben-stillerHowever, this version is so much more fun, and the protagonist is a thoroughly lovable, naturally athletic and super competent person who sacrificed his own ambitions at age seventeen in order to support his mom and sister after their father died. As the story goes, Walter is in a desperate search for a missing negative intended as the cover picture for Life magazine’s last edition, and he tracks halfway around the world in pursuit of the famed photojournalist whom Mitty believes has the negative. Of course there’s romance, but pure and simple: he has a crush on her, and she inspires him to greatness and success in his amazing adventures. sean-penn-in-the-secret-life-of-walter-mittyDoes Mitty get his man? Well, you might have to wait and see, but I will tell you Mitty has many dogged endeavors with gorgeous backdrops…a helicopter drop, shark attack, volcanic field crossing, mountain top trek in the Himalayas, etc. (to name a few). Whew!the-secret-life-of-walter-mitty Does he get his woman? Things look hopeful. Does he get his negative? Yes, but he had it all along and didn’t know it. In fact, he had no clue what and where the treasure was so almost lost it.   helicopter-jump-the-secret-life-of-walter-mittyWithout spoiling the climax, I want to hit the pause button at this scene: Mitty realizing his terrible mistake, which cost him his job and could have cost him his life. How about you? Are you like Walter Mitty, searching the world for some priceless missing treasure? Love, joy, faith, hope…the ability to sleep in heavenly peace?? God has already given all this and more to you as a gift in the form of His son, Jesus! Don’t throw out Jesus and go halfway around the world in search of something to satisfy your heart. Embrace him as your Lord and Savior, and rest in His love!  the-secret-life-of-walter-mitty-adventures“But now being made free from sin, and become servants to God, ye have your fruit unto holiness, and the end everlasting life. For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord” (Romans 6:22-23).

Humorous and Provocative Reflections à la Rogue River

launching-canoes-on-the-rogue-riverTime for another break! My oldest son, Aaron, was born on my 25th birthday, ducks-on-rogue-riverand we’ve had the joy of celebrating most of our birthdays together ever since.swans-geese-and-ducks-on-rogue-riverbankThis year was no exception, although it was exceptional canoeing-on-rogue-riverthat we could share the pleasure with Aaron’s entire familyshady-green-bows-over-rogue-river as well as Alan and Joel during a leisurely canoe ride down the Rogue River. old-snag-in-rogue-riverThis entire week, I want to share some photos from that serene afternoon canada-goose-island-on-rogue-riveralong with three series of favorite quotations on various subjects great-blue-heron-fishing-on-rogue-riverthat I’ve been saving up.bubbly-water-along-the-rogue-riverToday’s quotes are ones I kept because they made me smile:green-glow-of-indian-summer-on-the-rogue-river“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems,
but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.”~Herm Albright
canada-geese-in-flight-on-rogue-river“People with a negative attitude brighten the whole room when they leave.” ~Anonymous leaf-and-sun-on-rogue-river “You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.”
~Robin Williams sunshine-streaming-down-on-canoeists-on-rogue-river “I’m far from perfect, but I’ll be perfect for that imperfect person that’s perfect for me.”  ~Amanda Bynes  turtle-on-a-log-in-rogue-river“People often say to me that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing … that’s why we recommend it daily.”~Zig Ziglar quiet-paddling-along-the-rogue-river “Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get.”
~Ray Kroc  reflections-of-birches-along-rogue-river“There is no magic in magic, it’s all in the details.”~ Walt Disney  trees-overhanging-rogue-river“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” ~Mark Twain
canada-geese-along-rogue-river“To anger a conservative, lie to him. To anger a liberal, tell him the truth.” ~Theodore Roosevelt…I can only wish that were still true today, but it’s not. 😦trees-reflecting-in-rogue-river“One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie
is that the cat only has nine lives.”~Mark Twain   study-in-sun-and-shadow-on-rogue-river“Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he’ll have to touch it to be sure. Murphy’s Law” ~(read in Walk the Talk…but not always true, thankfully!)cormorant-on-rogue-river “Need a new life? God accepts trade ins !!”
(~shared by a friend, Pam Hembroff)

  “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” (~2 Corinthians 5:17)

 

 

 

 

 

Quotable Quips for a Rainy—or Sunny—Day

Alligator v.s. CrocodileI love jokes and quips. Do you? Here are a few I’ve been saving up for just such an occasion as today. Hope you enjoy them, and if you’ve already heard them, I hope they still make you smile!

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” ~Lily Tomlin

“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?” ~Phyllis Diller

“If you love something, set it free. Unless it’s chocolate. Never release chocolate.” ~Renee Duvall

“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” ~Milton Berle

“Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” ~Paula Poundstone

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.” ~George Carlin

“He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals.”~Ben Franklin

“The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.”~Erma Bombeck

“The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about.” ~Evan Esar

“Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.” ~Doug Larson

“Laughter is an instant vacation.” ~Milton Berle (and I hope you’re enjoying some vacation during this beautiful summer!)

Then was our mouth filled with laughter, and our tongue with singing: then said they among the heathen, The Lord hath done great things for them. The Lord hath done great things for us; whereof we are glad” (Psalm 26:2-3).