Category Archives: Humor

Word Play for Summer Fun

 Just in case you’re bored this summer or need a few jokes for kids…
Define:

1. ARBITRAITOR                       A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s

2.     BERNADETTE                   The act of torching a mortgage

3.     BURGLARIZE                    What a crook sees through

4.     AVOIDABLE                      What a bullfighter tries to do

5.     EYEDROPPER                  Clumsy ophthalmologist

6.     CONTROL                         A short, ugly inmate

7.     COUNTERFEITER              Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

8.     ECLIPSE                           What an English barber does for a living

9.     LEFT BANK                       What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money

10.    HEROES                          What a man in a boat does

11.    PARASITES                      What you see from the Eiffel Tower

12.    PARADOX                        Two physicians

13.    PHARMACIST                   A helper on a Farm 

14.    POLARIZE                        What penguins see through

15.    PRIMATE                          Remove your spouse from in front of TV

16.    RELIEF                             What trees do in the spring

17.    RUBBERNECK                 What you do to relax your wife

18.    SELFISH                          What the owner of a seafood store does

19.    SUDAFED                        Brought litigation against a government official

20.    PARADIGMS                    Twenty Cents

Thou hast set all the borders of the earth:
thou hast made summer and winter
” (Psalm 74:17).
The ants are a people not strong,
yet they prepare their meat in the summer
” (Proverbs 30:25).

Got Time for Some Funny Puns?

You may have seen this forward already, but I hadn’t, so I’m passing it along to you, just in case you need something to make you smile:

“Lexophile” is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish” or “to write with a broken pencil is pointless.” A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.

This year’s winning submission is posted at the very end.

… When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate. 

… A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. 

… When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. 

… The batteries were given out free of charge.

… A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

… A will is a dead giveaway. 

… With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

… A boiled egg is hard to beat. 

… When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall. 

… Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. 

… Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?   He’s all right now. 

… A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.

… When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 

… The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered. 

… He had a photographic memory which was never developed. 

… When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye. 

… Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it. 

And the cream of the twisted crop:

… Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN;  IT’S CHEAP MEDICINE!

     This last photo is used by permission of Robert Hardee. Thank you, Bob!

 

Birthday Bliss (or Not)

Alan has taken me somewhere very special and unusual for my birthday (out of town sans cell phone), so I won’t be home to soak up all the kindness of friends and relatives, chat on the phone, or even hit the “like” button on Face Book! Still, I wanted to let you know that you’re ever in my heart and prayers, and so I decided to prepare a few jokes so we could share some smiles today anyway!

YES!!This is in honor of all my friends who—like me—struggle with weight!This is especially for my daughter, four daughter-in-laws, nieces, and all young friends who are bravely rearing babies today! This one is a direct hit for me. Don’t know how the rest of you feel!  Here’s one for my hubby and all you health-care professionals! This one’s not so funny with all the hurricanes disrupting America’s millions of alligators. May you meet no crocodiles or alligators either later or in a while. 😦(This in honor of my son Stephen, who just passed his PhD comprehensive exams in musicology. Way to go, Stephen!)This is especially for my son Joel, who works as an editor, my daughter,  my writers’ group buddies and all fellow writers, lovers of good books and movies! Never thought of this one, but doesn’t it make you laugh?! …In honor of all my fellow Baby Boomers
who are developing gold-fish brains like Alan’s and mine. Anybody singing in a choir these days?  🙂 Here’s another one for the birthday girl (me).And, for all you fans of super hero movies…and Jesus!

 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. (John 3:16-18)

Ready for a Coffee Break?

I woke up this morning with a headache, which is extremely rare for me, but I wondered if a cup of coffee might cure it. However, my health insurance requires a fasting cholesterol, which was this morning, so there was to be no coffee or tea for me until after my blood draw! I survived, and I’m feeling fine without any socially acceptable chemical dependence, but it reminded me of all the funny coffee jokes my friend Sarah E. puts on her Face Book page. If you love coffee as much as I do, I hope you’ll take a two-minute coffee break and enjoy these!… . Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace.
(1 Peter 4:8-10)

(Thank you, Sarah E., for sharing so many fun things to make others laugh! Truly, laughter is good medicine!)

Church Ladies With Typewriters

This came as a forward from a cousin. It really made me laugh, so I’m going to share it with you, although I don’t know who the original author is. If it’s YOU (whoever you are), please let me know so I can give you credit or link it to you. Thanks!

They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:   

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference  includes  meals. 

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 

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The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.”
The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

————————–

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help. 
————————- 

Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 

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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 

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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. 

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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet  Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door. 

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespear.

Gotta love ’em, right? At least they’re trying! 🙂

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends…
(1 Corinthians 13:4-8, ESV)

Waiting for Baby

I’m waiting for a baby again,
But it’s not nearly as hard as it was when
I was waiting for my own, because even though I don’t know how long it will take,
I know it’s not exactly my body that’s at stake.
Nevertheless, it is the body of my son’s wife,
And for them…I would give my own life,
So it’s still very stressful, particularly since last time was more nightmarish than dreamy,
And they ended up with a 1.5-pound micro-preemie.
Still, their first baby is now a happy, chappy two-year-old,
Who might sass his mom but so far for me has been good as gold.
However, I get P.T.S.D. at the mere thought of babysitting
And every time I even think about it I break out in a sweat and imagine quitting
Before I even arrive at their door
Which will doubtless happen more and more
Because the more babies you have, the more help you need,
And even though it might be easier to lay down my life than do a good deed,
I’m pretty sure what they’re going to need are more good deeds
Rather than a grandmother  in absentia without any leads.
BTW, am I the only grandmother out there who’s paranoid of crying toddlers?
Are the rest of you seasoned babysitters and able toddler jogglers?
Maybe it comes from being the baby in my family and my dad hiring me to grade college exams for more than people paid babysitters,
Or maybe it comes from never having any time off for thirty years when my own seven kids were wild and woolly little kidders.
Whatever the source of my anxiety, you couldn’t pay me to watch kids for a mountain of cash,
But I’ll do it for love’s sake…though I’d feel more at ease spending an afternoon with Ogden Nash.

(You guessed it, I wrote this while my daughter-in-law was in labor on April 18, 2017. On the bright side, I won the family guessing game concerning what day the baby would be born!  🙂  )

Sing unto the Lord, O ye saints of his, and give thanks at the remembrance of his holiness. For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning” (Psalm 30:4-5).

(P.S.—Actually, Sammy’s being a doll for me, and we’re doing just fine!)

God is Like…

This is a forward from my cousin, Jim, and I have no clue where it originated, but it really made me smile, so I’m passing it along. If any of you know who the teacher is, please let me know so I can give proper credit! Thanks.

A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in 20 ways to communicate ideas about God.

Here are some of the results:

God is like
BAYER ASPIRIN
He
works miracles.
God is like
A FORD
He’s
got a better idea.
God is like
COKE
He’s
the real thing.
God is like
HALLMARK CARDS
He
cares enough to send His very best.
God is like
TIDE
He
gets the stains out others leave behind.
God is like
GENERAL ELECTRIC
He
brings good things to life.
God is like
WALMART
He
has everything.
God is like
ALKA-SELTZER
Try
Him, you’ll like Him!
God is like.
SCOTCH TAPE
You
can’t see Him, but you know He’s there.
God is like
DELTA
He’s
ready when you are.
God is like
ALLSTATE
You’re
in good hands with Him.
God is like
VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.
God is like
DIAL SOAP
Aren’t
you glad you have Him? Don’t you wish everybody did?
God is like
The
U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from
His appointed destination.
God is like
Chevrolet
He’s
the heartbeat of America.
God is like
Maxwell House
Good to the very last drop.
God is like
B
o u n t y
He is the quicker picker upper, can handle the tough jobs,
And He won’t fall apart on you.
God is like
The Energizer Bunny
He keeps going, going, and going.

Every day I will bless you and praise your name forever and ever. Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised, and his greatness is unsearchable. One generation shall commend your works to another, and shall declare your mighty acts” (Psalm 145:2-4, ESV).