Ready for a Few More COVID Jokes?

The COVID waves from Chicago and Detroit have now met in the middle, causing some undertow right her in quiet Grand Rapids, which has become Michigan’s hot spot. Therefore, our governor has extended the stay at home order until June 12. Nationally, America has now lost more than 100,000 people to this terrible plague. Please forgive me if you are among those suffering, but for the rest of us, who are suffering economically and socially, I think it’s time for a few more jokes to bolster our sense of humor while waiting out the storm.

On the topic of watching more T.V. and videos during the shelter-in-place order, Alan and I just discovered a “Faith and Family” streaming service (at least here in America) that has a lot of wholesome movies on it. It’s $5.99 a month or $4.49 (billed $53.99 for a year), and you can get a free 2-week trial just to see what you think of it. I’ll include the link below.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things” (Philippians 4:8). I think this is a great standard for all of us as we consider how to use our leisure time.

Contagious Contagions

They say whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. In Chile, where one of my sister-in-laws was born and reared, they’ve started issuing certificates to those who have survived COVID on the assumption that these people are now healthy and should be free from vulnerability to COVID contagion as well as no longer being contagious themselves. This is—as you might suspect—somewhat controversial, since the disease is so new that there aren’t any peer-reviewed studies proving this theory, although it’s pretty widely accepted as mostly true concerning many viral illnesses.

The whole issue of contagions and being contagious made me consider what I would like to be able to pass along to others. Actually, we are all “carriers” of certain contagions, right? I saw a YouTube of a Belgian man who (as an advertising gimmick for Coca-cola) started laughing on a train. It was like magic! After some initial facials expressing questioning curiosity, soon everybody was laughing or smiling. I couldn’t watch it without laughing myself! Laughter really is contagious, isn’t it?! (If you’ve got an extra 1:28 seconds, here it is: )

And so, as an exercise in aspiration, I made a list of some of the things I would love to be a infected with and pass along to others:

Keukenhof Flower Gardens in the Netherlands

*Peace like a river
*Joy like a fountain
*Love like an ocean
*Faith like a child
*Hope like a mountain
*Patience like a golden ring
*Radiance like an angel
*Cheerfulness like a song bird
*Wisdom like a sage . . . like Solomon
*Meekness like Moses
*Righteousness like Daniel
*Zeal like Paul
*Goodness and Holiness like Jesus, “For in him dwelleth all the fulness of the Godhead bodily” (Colossians 2:9). In Jesus, all the virtues of God were displayed in human form! I want to be like Jesus!

(I did not take the amazing photo of Keukenhof Flower Gardens and do not know who did, as I received it as a forward, but isn’t it fabulous? If you are the photographer, please let me know your name so I can credit you, or let me know if you don’t want to give me permission and I’ll take it down. Thank you! Same for the photos of the dogs, which were from FB.)

COVID Considerations (Just for Fun)

From my niece: “I never dreamed there’d be a day when I went into a bank with a mask on and asked for money!” (My response? “I never dreamed there’d be a day when I took off my wedding ring before leaving the house to shop!” P.S. as in Pre Script: All the rest of these jokes and cartoons are gleaned from FB and emails from friends. Thanks, ya’ll!)

I feel like a kindergartner who keeps losing more recess time because one or two kids can’t follow directions.

Tomorrow is the National Home-school Tornado Drill. Lock your kids in the basement until you get the all clear. You’re welcome!

2019: Stay away from negative people.
2020: Stay away from positive people.

The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

Since we can’t eat out, now’s the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and stay healthy. But we’re quarantined! Who are we trying to impress? We have snacks; we have sweatpants – I say we use them!

Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions! (I heard in one community the police were having to remind people to put on more than just their boxer shorts before checking their mailboxes.)


Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”

Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands??

I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch her with a six-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

Me: Alexa what’s the weather this weekend?
Alexa: It doesn’t matter – you’re not going anywhere.

Thoughts on getting enough exercise during our sheltering-at-home mandate:

Every time I hear the dirty word “exercise,” I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

Walking 20 minutes can add to your life. This enables you at 90 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $4000 per month.

Don’t worry! We all get heavier as we get older because we have more information weighing down our brains. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.

Now that I’m over sixty, I don’t need to exercise anymore. I got all I need just getting over the hill.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where he is.

In your patience possess ye your souls” (Luke 21:19).

When Pa Goes to Town

Ready for a zany poem about shopping? My father was the quintessential bargain hunter and was always coming home with at least a dozen of whatever was on sale at the Piggly Wiggly or Red Owl . . . along with unusual “new” taste sensations to expand our palates, like pickled kumquats, pig’s feet, or scrambled beef brain (I kid you not). “OOOOh, yukky!” 😦 With five children, Dad would dig deep into the bargain bins and day-old bakery supplies to keep us fed! A generation later, as a mother of seven (six strapping sons), I built on my father’s foundation and quantity shopping became a basic survival skill. Many a week, as I waltzed down the checkout lane with 7 gallons of milk and two baskets loaded to the brim, I would get a casual smile and, “Do you run a foster care home?”

At any rate, my oldest brother wrote this poem about my father, and in honor of April being GloPoWriMo (Global Poetry Writers Month) AND musing over my big COVID shopping-for-a-month spree a couple of days ago, I thought you might appreciate a bit of comic relief.

When Pa Goes to Town
(—Robert Ward, reflecting on our father’s shopping in the 1950’s;
Copyright 2019)

When Pa goes to town
All the grocers around
Go down in their basements and hide.
They cry and they scream,
And with eyes all agleam,
Lock the doors
So Pa can’t get inside.

But Pa with a glare
Like a buzzard’s cold stare
And nose like a beagle-sired bloodhound
Gets in where he can
And with swift-moving hand
Grabs all the bargains around.

Bread for a nickel,
Peaches a dime,
Dates for a quarter,
Pa’s having a time.

“I’ll take a dozen of those,
A gallon of that,
A gross of these,
Put the rest in my hat.”

Pa loads all his stores
On his trusty go-cart,
Cracks the whip to his kids,
And yells, “Do your part!”

Dad comes home with more stores
Than can fit through the doors.
He has yams and hams
And cans of canned Spams,
And musty old
Crusty old dates.

Ma in despair
Pulls the last of her hair
And muffles a fast-rising sob.
“You can try if you care
To fit more in there,
But the army says it’s an impossible job.

But Pa is not stopped,
Though some things are dropped.
He crams and pushes and groans.
And as the roof pops
And the second floor drops,
He returns for that special on dog bones.

She is like the merchants’ ships; she bringeth her food from afar. She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens” (Proverbs 31:13-15). I know in most families the wife probably does most of the shopping, but my mother didn’t like to shop so my father took it on. They both taught school—Mom elementary and Dad college—so on school days, while my mother packed our lunches, my father made breakfast. Without a doubt, my mother was a virtuous woman, but looking back, I remember many ways in which my flamboyant and highly unconventional father was a good dad, too!

COVID Shopping In Style!

Having not been shopping in more than a month, Alan and I weren’t sure what to expect for our “Senior” hour shopping trip from 7:00-8:00 am yesterday. We set the alarm and woke up before dawn, feeling as tense as if we were about to leave for a transcontinental flight! It was snowing lightly, so I bundled up in my winter coat and dawned my handy, dandy double face mask along with a pair of rubber gloves. We were at the store and ready to shop by 6:59 am, and Meijer was ready for us . . . along with a straggley stream of older folks.

We were intent on being in and out before 8:00 am when the general public is welcome to shop, so I divided our carefully organized shopping list in two. Alan’s list included the pharmaceuticals, cosmetics, and non-food supplies, and I concentrated on food.

The store was fairly well stocked, although I did overhear one husband complaining to his wife in the baking aisle, “Welcome to the decimation of the cake mixes!” We were allowed only 2 boxes of kleenex and 2 packages of toilet paper.

There was no fels naptha soap to be found (best over-the-counter way to get rid of poison ivy we know) and no tomato soup or frozen grape juice. No rubber gloves or disinfectant wipes, but they did have some toilet bowl cleaner this time . . . and some leftover Easter candy. 🙂

We felt like treasure hunters, and YES! We were back in the car with our treasures loaded by 8:00 am, although it took me the rest of the morning to wash, separate, isolate, store, and wash down every surface of everything we touched from the shopping bags to the frozen foods, door handles, keys, and credit card. Now we have to wait 14 days to see if we’ll catch COVID (again??) or if we’re going to be okay.

Strange times, aren’t they? And this is in Grand Rapids, which so far has not yet been hit by the COVID tidal waves that are moving in from Chicago to our west and Detroit from the east. (Grand Rapids is in the middle between them, where there’s not much action yet.) Will we be hit by terrible cross-currents, or will COVID fly over our heads like a tornado that never really touches down? The prognosticators are saying we should know in a month.

Tomorrow I want to share a few ideas for shopping strategies, and a poem written by my brother, but today I wanted to share photos of fellow shoppers, just in case you’re wondering what’s in vogue for dress while shopping these days. 🙂

The horse is prepared against the day of battle:
but safety is of the Lord” (Proverbs 21:31).

Of course, I didn’t really see any of these amazing get-ups at Meijer yesterday. They all came from a forward of a friend on line infinitum, so I have no clue who took them or where they occurred, but I thought we all might benefit from some styling tips! 🙂

What Does Your Church Have to Say?

Every once in a while, I have friends who forward emails that make me laugh and brighten up my day. In honor of the snow beginning to fall here in Michigan (unseasonably early, I think! 😦 ), I thought you might enjoy a few laughs too!

(This church must be in Florida! 🙂 )

And my personal favorite (because it’s so true, not because it’s so funny):

Now the goal of our instruction is love that comes from a pure heart, a good conscience, and a sincere faith” (1 Timothy 1:5, HCSB translation of our Bible).

Birthday Jokes and Joys

“Old age is like a plane flying through a storm.
Once you’re aboard, there’s nothing you can do” (Golda Meir).

Throughout the year, I collect a few choice jokes about aging,
because—in fact—I am definitely aging!! Last week we celebrated my 69th birthday, which is getting dangerously close to the big 7-0, and I think I’ll be on the visiting team on that scoreboard! 😦

Yes! I remember being three and getting three cents each week for my allowance . . . which I always spent on penny candy from the corner store!

Along with millions of my Baby Boomer age mates, I’m quickly passing from “getting older” to just plain being old! Yikes! Where has the time gone?

Losing hair may not be your problem, but if you’re over sixty, you might identify with something on this list:

Alan and I definitely complain of having “goldfish” brains
and depend on one another to double-check our thinking.

Along with the funny cartoons that keep us laughing lest we cry, I occasionally find some really valuable advice, and here are a few of my favorites:

“When granted many years of life, growing old in age is natural, but growing old with grace is a choice. Growing older with grace is possible for all who will set their hearts and minds on the Giver of grace, the Lord Jesus Christ” (—Billy Graham).

Those that are planted in the house of the LORD shall flourish in the courts of our God. They shall still bring forth fruit in old age; they shall be vigorous and flourishing to show that the LORD is upright; he is my rock, and there is no unrighteousness in him” (Psalm 92:13-15, Jubilee Bible 2000).