Okay, so one last blog with jokes celebrating senior citizens before plunging into my seventies, and then hopefully I’ll settle down and be a bit more dignified about my seniority.
In the book I just read on Being Old For Dummies, I learned about becoming a seenager. Did you know they exist? If you’re trying to spot one, this is what they look like:
*They have everything they always wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. *They don’t have to go to school or work. *They get an allowance every month. *They own their own place. *They don’t have a curfew. *They don’t have acne. *They can stay out as late as they want and sleep in as long as they want. *They don’t have parents to tell them what to do. *They can have hot chocolate for breakfast and popcorn for dinner if they want. *They have a “get out of jail free” card called “forgetfulness.” *They think life is great.
Do you know any? Here are a few more telltale signs:
Did you know that we even have our own texting shortcuts?
And then, there are those senior moments when we’re shopping:
Of course, these are all just jokes hoping to make you laugh, and I wouldn’t give away my Alan for a barrel of adorable puppies (or anything else)! Cheer up, ya’ll! There’s a very bright light at the end of this tunnel! As C.S. Lewis said, after we close the last chapter in the book of our lives, we’ll discover that it was just the front cover of eternity:
“And as He spoke, He no longer looked to them like a lion; but the things that began to happen after that were so great and beautiful that I cannot write them. And for us this the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on for ever: in which every chapter is better than the one before” (C.S. Lewis, The Last Battle).
Revelation 21-22: “Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. 2 And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. 4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”
5 And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” 6 And he said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. 7 The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son. 8 But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.”
The New Jerusalem
9 Then came one of the seven angels who had the seven bowls full of the seven last plagues and spoke to me, saying, “Come, I will show you the Bride, the wife of the Lamb.” 10 And he carried me away in the Spirit to a great, high mountain, and showed me the holy city Jerusalem coming down out of heaven from God, 11 having the glory of God, its radiance like a most rare jewel, like a jasper, clear as crystal. 12 It had a great, high wall, with twelve gates, and at the gates twelve angels, and on the gates the names of the twelve tribes of the sons of Israel were inscribed— 13 on the east three gates, on the north three gates, on the south three gates, and on the west three gates. 14 And the wall of the city had twelve foundations, and on them were the twelve names of the twelve apostles of the Lamb.
15 And the one who spoke with me had a measuring rod of gold to measure the city and its gates and walls. 16 The city lies foursquare, its length the same as its width. And he measured the city with his rod, 12,000 stadia. Its length and width and height are equal. 17 He also measured its wall, 144 cubits by human measurement, which is also an angel’s measurement. 18 The wall was built of jasper, while the city was pure gold, like clear glass. 19 The foundations of the wall of the city were adorned with every kind of jewel. The first was jasper, the second sapphire, the third agate, the fourth emerald, 20 the fifth onyx, the sixth carnelian, the seventh chrysolite, the eighth beryl, the ninth topaz, the tenth chrysoprase, the eleventh jacinth, the twelfth amethyst. 21 And the twelve gates were twelve pearls, each of the gates made of a single pearl, and the street of the city was pure gold, like transparent glass.
22 And I saw no temple in the city, for its temple is the Lord God the Almighty and the Lamb. 23 And the city has no need of sun or moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and its lamp is the Lamb. 24 By its light will the nations walk, and the kings of the earth will bring their glory into it, 25 and its gates will never be shut by day—and there will be no night there. 26 They will bring into it the glory and the honor of the nations. 27 But nothing unclean will ever enter it, nor anyone who does what is detestable or false, but only those who are written in the Lamb’s book of life.
The River of Life
22 Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, bright as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb 2 through the middle of the street of the city; also, on either side of the river, the tree of life with its twelve kinds of fruit, yielding its fruit each month. The leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations. 3 No longer will there be anything accursed, but the throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and his servants will worship him. 4 They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. 5 And night will be no more. They will need no light of lamp or sun, for the Lord God will be their light, and they will reign forever and ever.
Jesus Is Coming
6 And he said to me, “These words are trustworthy and true. And the Lord, the God of the spirits of the prophets, has sent his angel to show his servants what must soon take place.” 7 “And behold, I am coming soon. Blessed is the one who keeps the words of the prophecy of this book.” 8 I, John, am the one who heard and saw these things. And when I heard and saw them, I fell down to worship at the feet of the angel who showed them to me, 9 but he said to me, “You must not do that! I am a fellow servant with you and your brothers the prophets, and with those who keep the words of this book. Worship God.” 10 And he said to me, “Do not seal up the words of the prophecy of this book, for the time is near. 11 Let the evildoer still do evil, and the filthy still be filthy, and the righteous still do right, and the holy still be holy.” 12 “Behold, I am coming soon, bringing my recompense with me, to repay each one for what he has done. 13 I am the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end.” 14 Blessed are those who wash their robes, so that they may have the right to the tree of life and that they may enter the city by the gates. 15 Outside are the dogs and sorcerers and the sexually immoral and murderers and idolaters, and everyone who loves and practices falsehood. 16 “I, Jesus, have sent my angel to testify to you about these things for the churches. I am the root and the descendant of David, the bright morning star.” 17 The Spirit and the Bride say, “Come.” And let the one who hears say, “Come.” And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price. 18 I warn everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this book: if anyone adds to them, God will add to him the plagues described in this book, 19 and if anyone takes away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God will take away his share in the tree of life and in the holy city, which are described in this book. 20 He who testifies to these things says, “Surely I am coming soon.” Amen. Come, Lord Jesus! 21 The grace of the Lord Jesus be with all. Amen.“
As Alan has turned seventy, and I’m anticipating such an unbelievable event myself just in a week or so, I wanted to share a few favored jokes between now and then to soften the fall! This one is unashamedly passed along to you verbatim from a friend via an email forward. If you’re in that painfully discounted group known as “Senior Citizens” (or you know any good jokes about my age group), I’d love to have you pass your jokes along to us, either as comments below or to my email! Thanks, and Happy Aging!
“Maxine has about covered it. Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not try to blame others. HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT senior citizens who took: The melody out of music, The pride out of appearance, The courtesy out of driving, The romance out of love, The commitment out of marriage, The responsibility out of parenthood, The togetherness out of the family, The learning out of education The nativity scene out of cities, The civility out of behavior, The refinement out of language, The dedication out of employment, The prudence out of spending, The ambition out of achievement or God out of government and school.
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!
And, we DO understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country. YES, I’M A SENIOR CITIZEN!
I’m the life of the party…..Even if it only lasts until 8 p.m. I’m very good at opening childproof caps…..With a hammer. I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a thing you’re saying. I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a safe secure place, somewhere. I’m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that’s just my left leg. I’m beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps. Yes, I’m a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life! Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn’t send it back to them. Or, maybe I should send it to all my friends anyway. They won’t remember, even if they did send it.
Spread the laughter Share the cheer Let’s be happy While we’re here.”
(Editorial Note: Humor aside, and to be perfectly honest, we senior citizens have to take our fair share of the blame for the demise of civility and morality in our country. We were the generation of the “flower children” who became despicably irresponsible as youth [not all of us, but enough to earn a very bad reputation as a generation]. It was our generation who first burned the flag and took over administration buildings on college campuses! The fact is, the golden oldies aren’t any better than the current generation—we just expressed our fears and frustrations in different ways. So, if we’ve learned anything from our past, let’s forgive and give, love, and live responsibly. Let’s model grace rather than grumpiness, and as we age out—let’s inspire those who are coming behind us!)
“If now I have found grace in Your sight, O Lord, let my Lord, I pray, go among us, even though we are a stiff-necked people; and pardon our iniquity and our sin, and take us as Your inheritance” (Exodus 34:9, NKJV).
One of the greatest joys of our lives are visits from our children and grandchildren. For the past couple of weeks, our “Chicago Kids” visited. Those of you who are similarly blessed with grandchildren might especially enjoy these “jokes” which are purported to be true stories of how grandchildren perceive their grandparents. (My grands say lots of cute things, but I can’t take authorship for any of these.)
1. I was in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, under the watchful eyes of my young granddaughter, as I’d done many times before. After I applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!” I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye….
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him: “72.” My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and said, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”
7. I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I really think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!”
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised “Mine says I’m 4 to 6.” (WOW! I really like this one — it says I’m only ’38’!)
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting.” she said. “How do you make babies?” “It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”
11. Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. “It means carrying a child.”
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child. “No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and whenever we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”
14. Explanation by one awed grandchild: “Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!”
“Grandchildren are the crown of the aged, and the glory of children is their fathers.” (Proverbs 17:6)
How is the COVID pandemic in your part of the world? Here in Michigan, things are starting to heat up again.
Our church has been allowing some of our congregation to come back to the church to meet in person, although Alan and I ( being 70) are still opting to worship online.
I’m sure everyone—even those of us who haven’t had to deal with the trauma of losing loved ones—has suffered from their share of disappointment. I discovered recently that Alan and I will not be allowed to fly to Europe to help out with the expected birth of our newest grandchild. We are so disappointed. 😦
Without our usual flow of friends and relatives visiting, I will say—I’ve definitely struggled to keep my weight in place!
However, I haven’t been bored, have you? In fact, Alan and I find ourselves happily occupied with landscaping, cleaning, and organizing . . . trying to make up for the past 27 years of neglect, I think!
In all honesty, I have to say that July was safe, warm, and wonderful. A perfect month of “staycation” to begin our retirement, and for that I’m immensely grateful to the Lord!
And, being retirees, we don’t have to worry about any unusual ramifications from staying at home together. 🙂
My heart grieves over all the social and political unrest, however, and we are praying fervently for people the world over to respond to the Lord’s invitation: “There is no God else beside me; a just God and a Saviour; there is none beside me. Look unto me, and be ye saved, all the ends of the earth: for I am God, and there is none else” (Isaiah 45:21-22).
I’d like to think this one is correct, but I’m sure that— like all the other cartoons shared by friends recently— this is also just a joke.
Here’s something that’s not just a joke. Maybe we can spread smiling eyes even with our masks on.
And, I say “Amen!” to this!
May God guide and keep you on your journey. May we all live wisely and keep looking up!
“SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.” Ah, and this is just the beginning! A retired Episcopalian minister passed along this great list of responses given by grade-schoolers at a Christian school when tested on their understanding of the Old and New Testaments: “Imagine the teacher at her desk grading these papers while trying to keep a straight face and maintaining her composure . . . (The wording and spelling have not been corrected or retouched.)”
IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINNESS, GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH’S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
“He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him” (Psalm 91:15. I am so thankful that when God answers us, we can be sure what He says is “true and righteous altogether” [Psalm 19:9]!)
Today is my husband’s last day of official work as a physician after forty years of practice! In honor of Alan’s many years working in a psychiatric hospital, and to introduce this exciting new chapter in our lives, I’m going to pass along a “test” for fun. In truth, I completely flunked, so if you do too, then—like me—you probably think more like a retiree than a four-year-old! 🙂
Theoretically, this test is to ascertain your mental state now. If you get one right you are doing okay; if you get none right you’d better go for counseling. (I’ll meet you there.)
There are 4 test questions. The first one is called the Giraffe Test
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
The correct answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
Test Number Two: the Elephant Test
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
If you said, “Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator,” that would be the Wrong Answer. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
Test Number Three: Lion King Test
3. The Lion King is hosting an Animal Conference. All the animals attend … except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
Test Number Four: the Crocodile Test
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Haven’t you been lis-ten-ing? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. This tests whether you can make logical deductions from previous information.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Retirees they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most Retirees do not have the brains of a four-year-old.*
“Thou hast hid these things from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes” (Matthew 11:25). Really, though, if you study this passage (Matthew 11:16-30), you will notice that the truly wise are those who see the works of Christ and believe that he really is the Son of God who has come to take away the sins of the world. For whatever reason, adults have more trouble believing the truth than small children. Do you suppose it’s because people are told so many lies as they grow up that they become jaded?
*This joke “test” was an email forward, so I’m not perfectly sure if Anderson Consulting Worldwide actually had anything to do with it, but it is cute, isn’t it? 🙂 Also, we’re having various of our kids visiting this summer, so some of my posts may be on the lighter side if I don’t have enough time to write. I will glean from forwards sent to me by friends and hope they encourage your hearts. Also, I pray you can have (and enjoy) a little vacation this summer, despite COVID. May the Lord bless and keep you safe!
Are you ready for some fun? We’re in the midst of enjoying family visits after months of being locked down, so during the week days my blogs will be on light side for the next couple of weeks. I hope you can enjoy some comic relief with me!
Here is a forward on announcements made in church bulletins or from the pulpit:
The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.“
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The “Fasting & Prayer Conference” includes meals.
Scoutsare saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast nextSunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver” (Proverbs 25:11).
Life has been so heavy lately that I thought we all might need a lift. Hope these brighten your day. They’re cartoons by Charles Schulz, a Lutheran from Minneapolis, who blessed the world for almost 50 years with humorous reminders of of those basic life lessons we were all supposed to have learned by kindergarten. His cartoons were published in 2,600 newspapers, in 75 countries, and in 21 languages!
“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1, ESV).