Welcome to the Family, Bristol!

Here is a story of hope and joy in the aftermath of deep sorrow over the loss of a child, written by my dear friend, Susan Blount, to her newest grandchild. Motherhood (and Grandmotherhood) comes at a great cost, but it is one of the purest forms of love on earth. I pray that all of you who have had the great privilege of birthing a child into this world will have a very Happy Mother’s Day this Sunday.

                                                                                              January 8, 2024
Welcome to the family, Bristol Palmer Wall,

We’re so glad you are here safe and healthy.  You are God’s surprise bundle of joy, but your journey to get here has kept us on our knees.  Your mom had years of combating Lyme disease and Intrahepatic Cholestasis of Pregnancy that gave everyone concern.  Many decisions had to be made to give you and your mom the best chances of a healthy delivery, as cholestasis can raise the chances of a stillbirth.  God was near, as He always is.  I can’t wait for you to get to know Him.

God chose this day, and no other, for you to be born.  He knew this before the world began.  Imagine that!  As the day grew closer I found myself feeling more anxious.  This song from my childhood kept singing in my head:  I will trust when I cannot see – when I’m faced with adversity – and believe Your will is always best for me – I will trust when I cannot see.

Your sisters, Hope and Alana, got a stomach bug just a couple of days before this.  Thankfully, your mom didn’t get it!  God was merciful. 

Only God knew what the future held for you and the family who already loved you. We all knew what we wanted, but I knew what God had seen us through in the past.

It seems that Mom’s Lyme disease has been partly responsible for some of her pregnancy struggles.  Then, thirteen years ago, your older sister, Ivana, died just prior to her due date.  We have never experienced a still born baby in our family and the shock was almost more than we could bear.  God was near, then, too, as He always is.  He saw us through, though the memory is still very raw.

I thought of Ivana often during your delivery today.  She never got to meet us, but it’s a comfort to know that she knew the love of your mother, and the sounds of her family before she left for the perfections of heaven – safe in the arms of Jesus.

In October of last year, Aunt Crysten and I were rejoicing with our friend Kelly who was expecting her second baby, a boy who would be named Noah.  Like your mom, there were some concerns for the safety of Kelly and Noah so they planned to have her induced.  Sadly, things didn’t go well for them. 

These were the stories that played like a background noise in the days leading up to your birth.  God was using them to stretch my faith – to trust in Him for the things I could not see or understand.  Our God is great, you’ll see.  

My prayer that morning wanted to beg God to make everything perfect, but I knew He already had a plan and I needed to be willing to accept whatever it was.  I knew it would be for our good no matter what happened.  So, I prayed that we would know peace and that the caregivers would have wisdom. 

God’s continual presence is real, but I wanted it to be more than good theology… I wanted it to be tangible… and He did not disappoint. 

Before leaving for the hospital your Great Aunt Judy sent me this: “In my quiet time this morning Psalms 145:18 “The LORD is near to all who call upon Him, all who call upon Him in truth… He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him: He hears their cry and answers them.”   It was God’s way of reminding me, “Fear not, I am here.” 

When Mom checked in to her room, they discovered right away that she was already 3 cm dilated at 36 weeks.  This was the second confirmation that God was in this and moving us toward the outcome we desired.

He prepared a nurse, named Kassey, who was the perfect fit for Mom and our family.  She was homeschooled, homeschools her children, had a home birth and seemed like someone we had always known.  A woman who understood where we came from and embraced some of our favorite things in life. 

Homebirth midwives have such a different philosophy than medical doctors, so it was comforting to have a nurse who would know the difference and help your mom to move things along in a non-intrusive way, as much as possible.  She was patient and calm.  Just what was needed.  God was near. 

She introduced us to a technique I had never heard of called Spinning.  Spinning Babies^® has become a new view on childbirth created by midwife, Gail Tully.  The technique helps create room in the lower uterus so you could rotate into a more ideal position for birth.  You seemed to like it and it may explain why you shot out of there in only 40 minutes.  😊

We certainly didn’t want a C-section because the recovery for your mom is so much harder and longer.  But, if you had shown any signs of distress, they were ready to do that to save your life.   Your mom wore a heart monitor the entire time and your heart rate never dropped or gave us any concern.  God was near.  Even in low risk births, the heart rate can drop some as the head gets lower in the birth canal.  Your heart rate was an encouraging sign that the C section would not be needed. 

The first procedure used to get things started was to strip your mom’s membranes.  She did feel some contractions during the morning, but they were weak and not very often. 

“What can we try next?” she asked Nurse Kassey.  She suggested pumping some milk. She quickly went to get a breast pump and got your mom started.  “I’ll be back in 15 minutes,” she said. 

It didn’t take long before your mom filled two bottles with colostrum and experienced some good strong contractions – the kind she couldn’t talk through.  It was more encouragement that this delivery would happen without surgery. 

Nurse Kassey answered Mom’s call button and couldn’t believe how fast she filled those bottles.  “I’ll put them in the fridge for later.” And it was a good thing she did. 

I wondered two things: 1.  Has your mom used up the essential colostrum that would be needed in a few hours? And 2. If needed, how would they get the save colostrum into a breastfed baby?  God was near and He had an answer for both of my questions.

(When babies are born early, their blood sugars are often unstable.  Nurses keep checking for about 24 hours and yours were dropping.  You wouldn’t wake up to eat and the saved colostrum helped elevate your blood sugars.  They used a dropper to get it into your mouth.  God was near… as He always is.)

Once Mom stopped pumping her milk, the contractions continued but not at the same pace.  Your doctor came in to discuss the next step – an infusion of Pitocin, a synthetic version of oxytocin, the naturally occurring hormone that the body produces to signal the uterus to birth its contents.  We hesitated to go that route because we would be asking Mom’s body to do something it might not be ready for, and the contractions are much more intense. 

Dr. Abbey said she would just do “a squirt” every half hour and would stop whenever your mom said to. 

With the contractions getting stronger, I suggested your mom might want to get in the tub and she agreed.  Warm water was drawn and she slipped into it, groaning with contractions. Your dad hovered over her in case he was needed.   You were tolerating everything well.  The Pitocin seemed to be working. 

The time was 6:50 PM.  Before long, Mom yelled that she thought you were coming.  Dr. Abbey rushed in and said, “Melissa, you have to get out of the tub.  We’re not allowed to deliver in the tub.”

Mom couldn’t move.  “I have to push!”  “Don’t push yet,” Dr. Abbey said.  But you can’t stop a fast moving “train” and as the water was draining out of the hard porcelain tub, out you came!  It was only 7:28 PM!

You came with an attitude and that was very comforting because preemies often have weak lungs and your cries confirmed yours were strong and getting stronger with every crying breath.  God was near . . . as He always is.

You were a short 18.5 inches long and a round 6 lbs. 5 oz.  Very good size for a “preemie”, born at 36 weeks.  There were no extraordinary measures needed (no NICU) to secure your health.  Sing Hallelujah!  All is well.  We see God’s plan now, and in all circumstances, He is worthy of our praise. 

I can’t wait to do more life with you, Bristol.  You’re one of a kind and perfect, a thumb sucker (like me when I was little), and your snuggle is real.  All is well, lift up your voice and sing Hallelujah, all is well.  Thank you, Jesus. 

Welcome to the family.  We’re so glad you’ve come. 

With hugs from a very grateful Nana who loves you a bunch. 

“ . . . and give to my children a perfect heart to keep Your commandments, Your testimonies and Your statutes, and to do them all . . . know the God of your father, and serve Him with a loyal heart and with a willing mind; for the LORD searches all hearts and understands all the intent of the thoughts. If you seek Him, He will be found by you; but if you forsake Him, He will cast you off forever. If your heart is blameless you will not be ashamed.”  (1 Chronicles 29:19; 28:9-10; Psalm 119:80)

Susan with Bristol

Theracanes for Easing Pains

I think it started over a year ago. Looking back, it probably started years ago but took until this past year to catch up with me. By last summer, I had gotten so uncomfortable it was hard to sit at my desk and write for hours as I’d been doing for several years. By night, my shoulder, back, and right arm ached so much it was hard to sleep. I thought it was simply a stress injury from sitting in one position too long, but my doctor wasn’t completely convinced.

“Any falls?” she asked sagely.

“Yeah. A few spectacular falls—over a puppy’s leash I didn’t see, tripping when grandchildren dart in front of me. I even took to the air over a tree root at Acadia National Park. Oh, and there was the time I tripped over a tripod used for lighting. My grand kids like to make movies when they visit.”

I felt chagrined. I’m at that embarrassing stage where I don’t catch myself like I used to when I trip. My left leg has a slight foot drop due to nerve injury from my left hip surgery 3 years ago, and even an inch of uneven pavement can cause me trouble. Alan used to label it “the beginning of the end” when his elderly patients would start falling. Until it started happening to me. Now he just tries to get me to slow down and hold his arm when we’re out walking.

But, there’s more. Last summer when a big storm blew through and knocked four oak trees across our lane, I tried to be heroic by manning a tractor and heaving debris into a trailer. I knew my arm was killing me, but I assumed it was just muscle soreness so tried to “work through the pain.” “No pain, no gain.” Right? Wrong!

Sometimes pain is a warning. My doctor told me I needed help or I’d likely end up with a permanent injury. “Frozen shoulder” came up. Unfortunately, I had a solid 5 months of wonderful activities planned with no extra time in the schedule to be home for therapy or surgical procedures, so I thanked her for her prescription and advice but tucked it away, planning to act on it in December after I returned from traveling.

December came and went. I had a month of helpful therapy, but it didn’t improve my condition enough so I could sleep on my right shoulder. I couldn’t even sleep sitting up without throbbing pain waking me up. I could only get comfy on my left side with my right arm propped up on a pillow “just so.”

My intake occupational therapist reminded me that “It’s all about posture” as a start. Sit up straight; keep your shoulders back. Sit at a desk the right height with a chair that’s the right height and built correctly. He sent me home with a diagram (which I’m sharing with you in case you struggle with pain after sitting long hours for work).

Everything should be at 90° angles. Feet should rest comfortably on the floor. Everything about my desk, chair, and computer position were way off! Alan ended up making me a desk as a Christmas present since we couldn’t find anything small enough. My girlfriend, Kari (recently retired Ob/Gyn) gave me one of her office chairs since she had two identical (wonderful!) secretary chairs. Alan put my computer on a stand on top of my desk to adjust the height so my head and neck were in an upright position for viewing—eye level being about one-third of the way from the top of the screen. Those changes made a BIG difference.

Theracane

At the therapist’s suggestion, I bought a “theracane,” which is a therapeutic device to treat trigger points where muscles are too tight and cause chronic aching. Well worth the investment!

Of course, as I examine my life, I always see the spiritual parallels. Am I positioned correctly in my daily spiritual habits, or have I gotten slightly off? Everything straight, upright, eyes looking straight ahead? Sometimes—even in the line of duty and trying to live right—we can be off just enough so that over time we develop a real spiritual problem. We probably don’t even pay attention to the little signs of stress and dysfunction. Are you like me? I keep going until there’s a major crisis that stops me, and even then I tend to think it’s my job to work through the pain, which isn’t always the right response.

 My wonderful therapist, who is a dedicated Christian
as well as a phenomenal practitioner!

For ongoing therapy, I worked with this lady, who won my admiration and feels like a friend at this point! I learned from her that I shouldn’t keep pushing past the point of pain. Exercise should include repetitions that bring us to the point of discomfort but not into the stress of pain. So, spiritual disciplines are most helpful when used wisely to strengthen us, not to keep us at the point of pain (and burn out). When the therapist would stretch and manipulate my shoulder, there were certain moves that almost seemed “right” even though they were uncomfortable and placed pressure on tight muscles. That’s okay. Sometimes we have to get stretched in order to recover!!

When the Holy Spirit touches a “trigger point,” we need to relax, surrender, and allow Him to work on us until we loosen our grip on whatever is making us tense! When we mindlessly push our bodies beyond healthy limits, we are causing harm to ourselves (and often those we love). God intends emotional and physical pain to alert us: We are doing something wrong! We need to stop, repent, and surrender our spirit to His leading. What does He want? What corrections do we need to make?

Is anything keeping you awake at night or causing you pain? I can definitely recommend therapy and theracanes . . . heat and icing . . . all the help you can get for physical ailments, but even more, I want to recommend listening to the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit to negotiate all the spiritual battles and trials of life. May we allow Him to guide us into all truth and wisdom. May we run to Him for straightening and strengthening! He is the great healer—of bodies and souls!

“I have seen his ways, and will heal him:
I will lead him also, and restore comforts unto him.”
(Isaiah 57:18)

Do You Know The Father

Ready to have your heart broken? In America approximately one in every 5 people is a “Baby Boomer” born between 1946-1964. That’s about 72+ million people, and by 2030, we will all be aged 66 or older. It is estimated that 10 million of these individuals will develop Alzheimer’s disease, and among those who live to 85, nearly half will suffer from dementia.

Learning to recognize the signs of dementia and how to cope with loved ones who are losing their mental acuity is becoming more and more essential, not only in caring for our loved ones, but in keeping marriages and families intact.

I have no fewer than six girl friends whose husbands are suffering from dementia at present, and another friend whose kids are in the midst of a gut-wrenching divorce due to the husband’s inability to handle the oppressive disorder in their home caused by a father-in-law who’s moved in with them since losing his wife. The tension, confusion, and disorganization of all that is a family’s “normal” is a major theme in the movie.

The Father (2020, PG-13, 1:37 [1 hour and 37 minutes long], and with a rating of 8.2 on IMBd by 185,000 people!) does an amazing job of depicting the destructive influence on a home by someone who is literally losing his mind and refuses to acknowledge or cope with it.

Anthony Hopkins is a master at portraying a man who can no longer make sense of reality. Alan, who spent most of his career as an internist helping geriatric (and psychiatric) patients, kept commenting on how realistically Hopkins played his role.

The whole team did a fabulous job with The Father. No wonder it garnered six nominations in the 93rd Academy Awards. Hopkins won Best Actor and Zeller and Hampton won Best Adapted Screenplay. Since then, it’s been heralded as one of the best movies from the 2020s and the 21st century!

For those of you who are married and struggling to take care of a self-focused (and likely somewhat senile) parent, may I offer this advice? Put the needs of your spouse and children first. I took my mother in when she had Alzheimer’s, and although she was a model of quiet patience, I was losing weight trying to care for an infant who was up to nurse in the night and a mother who was up tearing her room apart trying to pack for a trip or prepare for a PTA meeting. I was so tired I couldn’t see straight. Alan demanded that I not keep her in our home anymore, but I was too intent on loving mom to understand her presence was sinking our entire ship. (I was homeschooling 6 kids with a new baby and a husband who was overworked.)

At any rate, I probably would have died trying to “save” my mother. What really saved us was my understanding from the Bible that my husband was the head of the home, ultimately responsible for our family, and that I needed to submit to his authority whether or not I agreed with him. Looking back, that was one of the emotionally hardest decisions I ever made, but I believe it was the right decision, because it followed biblical teaching and bore the fruit of “peaceable righteousness” (Hebrews 12:11). When we marry, we are to “leave and cleave.” Honor our parents? Always. Obey them? No, not as adults. The needs of our spouse and children must become our first priority.

As a Baby Boomer facing the grim reality of my own future potential for mental loss, I’ve been trying to do everything I know how to do to keep my brain as healthy as possible. I’ve read you needn’t despair if you have a parent who had Alzheimer’s. A healthy person with a demented parent is actually at less risk of developing Alzheimer’s than a neighbor who has these high risk factors: obesity, diabetes, high cholesterol, chronic stress, hypertension, a sedentary lifestyle, strokes, or is a smoker or drinker. A healthy body and soul will go a long way toward keeping a brain healthy.

For those of you who sense you’re developing dementia, may I encourage you to embrace THE Father? God desires each of us to become his child by faith. (If you’re not sure how to become a child of God, please click on the “Coming to Christ” tab at the top of this page.) God is full of love, mercy, wisdom, and grace. He is faithful, and we can trust him to lead us “into paths of righteousness for his name’s sake” (Psalm 23:3) while we’re negotiating life on earth as well as rescue us “from every evil deed” and bring us “safely into his heavenly kingdom” when we die (2 Timothy 4:18, ESV). My parents put their trust in Christ as the way home to heaven (John 14:6) which made them more peaceful and relatively (“RELATIVELY”) easy to care for (although they both ended up in a nursing home). As we learn to trust and lean on THE Father, we will relax and be more able to trust our spouse and children to do the best they can to provide care for us.

Also—for your (our) consolation—even normal, healthy older folks have “senior moments” and memory lapses. If this is happening to you, don’t take it too hard. You may simply be normal, not snowballing down the drifts into insanity. Don’t panic, but if you’re not sure what’s happening anymore, please take the time to get your brain health assessed. It will either be reassuring that you’re okay or confirm that your memory is no longer as reliable as it needs to be to make wise decisions. Whatever happens, know that if you’re prayerfully resting in THE Father, He will take care of you. And, if you’re a child of God through faith in Christ, Jesus has promised, “I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee” (Hebrews 13:5). Jesus will walk with us through the dark shadows and bring us safely to heaven. We don’t have to be afraid.

“Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness” (Isaiah 41:10).

“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee“ (Isaiah 26:3).

“For he that is entered into his rest, he also hath ceased from his own works” (Hebrews 4:10). As my father used to say, quoting John Milton who was grappling with “On His Blindness” and reflecting on the fact that we each have a place and role in God’s world: “They also serve who only stand and wait.”

Eyeballing the Area, by Rod Jones

After all these years, I still hear those sounds as clear as a bell. The drill instructor barked the melodic cadence as my boot camp platoon marched through the Marine Corps Parris Island Recruit Training Depot. We were trying to stay in sync with the beat of his cadence. The first week we were a ragtag, undisciplined gang of young men. Within weeks we were in perfect harmony – all our boots striking the hot pavement in unison. Arms, shoulders, and eyes were also part of the “close order drill.”

MCRD, Parris Island, South Carolina, Third Battalion and Platoon 358, 1970

The drill instructors were particularly watching our eyes. We were instructed to keep our eyes focused on the back of the neck of the man in front of us. Looking around as we marched was strictly prohibited and was called “eyeballing the area.” When observed, it brought swift corrective action. I was older than most other recruits and handled the mental discipline easily. But one day, it all backfired.

While marching through the center of the post, I caught a glimpse of a red Corvette sports car parked along the road. I had to sneak a peek because I had a red Corvette back home. Suddenly, I heard the drill instructor scream, “Halt,” followed by, “What are you eyeballing, Jones?” He threw in additional words, which will not be repeated here. He saw a Marine Corps teaching moment when I told him I was looking at the Corvette, like the one my wife was driving home. Soon the entire platoon was down on the hot pavement doing a million pushups. We could only stop when he saw large pools of sweat on the pavement. Everybody was angry with me. This “community correction” creates cohesive, interdependent teams prepared for war. We needed to all be “one body.”

In life, Eyeballing the Area is something we all must deal with. In non-military terms, it means keeping your eyes on what’s important and not being distracted by things that are not profitable in reaching our goals.

Several years ago, I was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia (AML). This aggressive, serious cancer is associated with the blood produced in the bone marrow. It was a devastating blow for a person just starting to enjoy retirement. Being a person who likes to research things, I discovered the abysmal survival rates for someone my age. My future did not look good, and I was scared. But focusing on those statistics was akin to “eyeballing the area.” I was focusing on the wrong thing.

My faith in Jesus Christ is central to my life, and the Bible told me to look directly at God and His word. Either I would be controlled by the statistics or by God’s loving promises. I quickly reversed course and told God my destiny was in His hands, not the statistics. Whether I lived or died, I was a child of God, and my life was His. What joy and peace flooded over me! Keeping my spiritual eyes focused on Him prepared me to wage my war on cancer. I spent nine weeks receiving in-hospital, high-dose chemo for the next five months. This was the most severe challenge I had ever faced, but He encouraged me daily. God’s provisions included a gifted, caring medical team, and I have been in remission for three years. Glory to God for each day of life!

In addition to the concept of “eyeballing,” in my daily prayer and scripture reading, I was learning to get in sync with God’s cadence. My wife Pat and I read daily devotionals and received encouraging notes and scriptures from friends and family. Even hospital staff were sharing scriptures with me. We were immersed in God’s instruction to live a life of faith and gratitude and even share God’s hope with others who needed His help.

Below are some great scriptures (cadence) that helped me during my journey with cancer. Let them speak to you.

Hebrews 12:2 MSG “Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed – that exhilarating finish in and with God – he could put up with anything along the way: cross, shame, whatever. And now he’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God.”

Proverbs 3:5-8 NIV “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; [6] in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 NIV “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

Psalm 138:7 NIV “Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life. You stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes; with your right hand you save me.”

Hebrews 4:12 NIV For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

If you are struggling with life issues, maybe it’s time to stop eyeballing and start gazing at Jesus. The Bible tells us that every person has disobeyed God during their life. This stems from wanting to do what we want rather than obey God. He created a loving path to erase our rebellion and welcome us into His eternal family. By sending His Son, Jesus Christ, to pay the penalty of our disobedience, we can confess our errors, turn from our man-focused ways, and ask Jesus to be the Lord of our lives. This act of faith provides eternal life in Heaven with God when our earthly life ends.

If you have not already done so, take a few minutes to talk with God. Speak to Him like you would speak to a respected friend and tell Him what you are going through and that you desire a new life with Him.

“What I believe about God is the most important thing about me.”
A.W. Tozer

Rod Jones is one of our Sunday school teachers, and his messages all reach my heart as well as my head! I trust this vignette, which he shared with us not long ago, will bless you as well. Thank you, Rod!

Loving Your Mate Through Alzheimer’s

Alan and I are praying for nearly a dozen friends where one of the partners is experiencing debilitating dementia. Alice has been a dear friend for about 60 years, and when Alan and I visited Alice and Bob last summer, I stood in awe of the way she loved and cared for husband. She had warned us that if he said anything that didn’t ring true, not to worry, it was his Alzheimer’s, not any intention on his part of being untruthful. At that point, he didn’t really understand that he had Alzheimer’s, but he seemed perfectly happy, and they had such a sweet relationship . . . just the way I’d like to treat Alan or be treated by Alan should either of us develop serious memory problems.

I asked Alice if she’d be willing to reflect on her journey and share any ideas for how to love your spouse well as their mind fails. Many thanks, dear friend, for taking time to share your heart with others who have loved ones going through similar deep waters~

Our Journey

Yes, I’ve been putting this off. It’s too much like passing a car accident and not wanting to look, but being incapable of tearing your eyes away. I convinced myself I could handle this problem without support groups or doing additional research, but that’s only because I didn’t want to make it any more real than it already was.  Denial comes in many forms and one is to avoid thinking about that “car accident” any more than need be.

My husband Bob is the sweetest person ever. For most of our marriage he took care of the house, doing chores that I’d only mentioned in passing. There was no Honey-Do List. It was like he could read my mind. He not only worked full time, but walked crying babies in the middle of the night, dressed and transported our two children to daycare, and did the laundry and dishes. His favorite saying at the kitchen sink was “Move over, that’s man’s work!” For 50 years he used his CPA training to oversee the financial records for a heating and air conditioning company, handle our investments, calculate our taxes, and save enough for our children to attend wonderful universities. 

But two years ago he couldn’t balance our checkbook and missed paying some taxes. Except for the vision of retirement into a federal penitentiary for tax evasion, everything else seemed fine. Our children even thought I was exaggerating when I said Dad seemed to be having memory problems, so I pushed it aside.  But as the evidence mounted, I made plans to retire and started having Dad teach me how to do the finances by going through the mail together every day.

He became progressively disoriented in airports, driving home from the cabin, even going to the store. Luckily his car finally broke down and we decided we couldn’t afford to replace it. My car would have to do. He never questioned my driving everywhere from then on as it had traditionally been ‘my’ car. He even seemed pleased that it gave him a chance to take in the views for a change.

I quickly mounted a campaign to sell the log cabin and all our land up north to decrease the number of household chores and renovations that were accumulating on my own to-do list. Luckily Bob loves to keep busy. He was still able to pitch in and help paint, clean, and stage our little lake home.

Fearing that our time together as a family would be shorter than I had optimistically anticipated, we rented a small condo under my daughter’s place in the NYC area so we could be near them for a while.  It was wonderful seeing our grandchildren almost daily and watching their sports. Never did I think we wouldn’t make it through a year in our pied-à-terre, but at least we were all together for Christmas.

Now he lives in a memory care facility near our house in Minnesota. I spend two to three weeks in Minnesota and then two to three weeks in my apartment out East. My two children travel a lot so they’ve been able to visit Bob frequently and help monitor his care.  We’re all enormously grateful that Bob is still lovable, charming, and seemingly happy. Alzheimer’s is not always so kind. So, we’re embracing our good fortune and praying for his continued comfort.

What does all this mean? Why us?  As I look around at my friends and neighbors who have one by one come down with cancer or other debilitating disease, I realize that everyone has a burden to bear. None of us escapes aging unscathed. So why not us?  Instead of thinking ‘Why do we deserve Alzheimer’s?’, it makes more sense to think ‘Why did I deserve 50 years of wedded bliss? Why did I deserve two handsome, healthy and successful children who continue to welcome me into their homes and hearts? Why did I deserve two loving grandchildren who are a joy to be with?’ Of course, there is no rhyme or reason and I did nothing to deserve such blessings.

While Bob is letting loose of this world and transitioning into his next exciting adventure, I miss him more everyday as he slips away. But I’ve learned a lot and become more capable than I thought I was. I’ve savored memories that might not have percolated to the top but for this disease. I’ve stretched my wings and developed new interests. And paradoxically, in spite of—or perhaps because of Alzheimer’s—I’ve become more grateful for our life together. 

“In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you”
(1 Thessalonians 5:18).

Tips for Quality Time with Patients

Help them remember

Early on, people with dementia often remember faces but not names. This is embarrassing for them as they’ve usually lost the skills to navigate awkward situations. Don’t ask them “Do you remember…” as this just makes it worse.  Here are a few ideas that allow them to save face:

Assume they don’t remember.  Simply provide your name when you greet them.

“Are you surprised to see your old friend Fred!” 

“Nice to run into an old neighbor! I’m Bill.”

“Look who’s come to visit! Doris from the green house down your street.”

Give them photos of friends and family they know. Label the people in them. A sentence telling about the shot is also helpful.

If they’re interested in wildlife, get a poster with the names of birds, etc. on it. Use the poster as a stimulus for discussion. Pointing to the labeled animals prompts them to their names without being obvious.

Give them power/prerogative

Try to give them a couple of choices. Everyone wants to control their own destiny but too many choices can be confusing whereas having no choice gives them no control over their already limited existence. Think of two choices that are equally acceptable and ask them if they have a preference between just those two. It works for food, clothes, television shows, etc.

Give them something that is familiar even if it’s unnecessary. One example is my husband’s wallet. There’s only six dollars in it and some library cards.  He’ll never need it but it feels familiar and he feels more secure with some cash if he needs it. 

Make them feel useful

Everyone wants to be needed. Instead of focusing on what they can’t do, find something that they can help do.  For example, when I had to clean out years’ worth of financial reports, taxes, etc. Bob took on the task of shredding documents for me. 

Help them initiate actions

One thing that’s lost is the ability to initiate an action. A caregiver’s natural inclination is to ask “Do you want to do a craft with the group?” But they default too easily to “no”. Doing nothing may be easier for them but not necessarily healthier. Instead of asking them, announce it as “It’s time for crafting! Let’s go see what they’re doing!”  They’re more likely to do it, but it still allows them to decline.

Use their habits and motor memory to assist themselves

As dementia becomes worse, you may need to help them eat. Allow them to do as much as they can themselves. In other words, you may need to cut their food, but once a piece is on their fork, put the fork on their plate or in their hand and let them feed themselves. As they lose the ability to initiate that activity, put the fork in their hand and cup their hand with yours to navigate your hands together to their mouth.  Their motor memory of their hand moving to their mouth will let them know it’s time to open their mouths for the food.

Keep them from wandering but encourage exercise

If you can’t watch them every minute, put buzzers on the doors so you know when they leave the house. Rather than talking them out of it, tell them what a good idea it is to go for a walk or go exploring and make a “date” to do that when you have time to go together. Find something else for them to do in the meantime.

Stimulate conversation

If conversation is lagging, try doing jig saw puzzles together. The chitter chatter involved in sorting pieces, testing pieces, and working together is enough.  Just be sure to choose a simple one. We’ve gone from 200 to 100 pieces or less.

If they’re into a hobby, bring a magazine on the subject to have something to point to when you discuss the topic. 

Dr. Alice A. Larson, 
Professor Emeritus
Dept. Veterinary & Biomedical Sciences
University of Minnesota

On Being Mortal and Dying Well

How would you like to die? Nobody relishes contemplating their death, but we should think about it (especially if we’re retirement age or older), because aging and death are universal, irremediable hurdles for every one of us. Each of us only dies once. We may have watched loved ones die, so we have some modeling, but we have no personal experience to build on and no second chance on how to die well. A few get a dress rehearsal, but something like one in ten of us will die suddenly and the other 90% will have some time to think . . . only after we’re sick and no longer clear-headed. The time to plan ahead is now!!

Here’s my thought: Death is the culmination of life. We can’t prepare for our birth, but we can prepare for our death. What’s in the middle? Education; career; possibly marriage and children. Think how much time we spend thinking about the other landmarks in our life. Is our death any less important?

We have dear friends whose parents are in their nineties and until recently lived independently. Over this past year, they’ve fallen several times and are becoming incontinent. Their memories are failing; they’re forgetting to take their medications; but—they are still one another’s power of attorney, so it was painfully difficult to persuade them to move into a healthy living situation. Sadly, this is the norm.

People resist change (myself included), which means it takes a crisis to get us to adjust. We’re like rubber bands with no elasticity left: We just snap instead of flex under pressure. Caring for elderly parents is a crushing weight for their kids (who are usually 55-80 themselves). As part of the eldest generation, I’ve become convicted that I need to prepare for my inevitable end as best I can so it’s not an overwhelming burden for my kids.

But, what does that look like? A couple of weeks ago we were visiting our Kentucky kids, and they produced a rendition of The Hobbit as a backyard theater. Their next-door-neighbor (about my age) came over to attend the play. Her husband died last fall, and she’s now in the throes of preparing for an estate sale.

“I can’t even think about how much money I’m going to lose, but it would have killed him to stop working before he had to, so that’s the decision we made.”

My husband loves to work outside also. If he dies first anytime soon, that’s the decision we’ll have made too.

Last week another of our good friends had us over to his freshly unwrapped apartment for dinner. It looks like Disney’s Yacht Club, and they’re still renting the last few units. His wife died about 18 months ago. He could keep up with the work of living alone, but he couldn’t stand the silence, especially buried under winter darkness. More lonely than a chick in an empty nest, last fall he moved to a community living situation where he shares table space for meals and enjoys social and recreational activities with other people.

His apartment is beautiful. It’s fresh and new. It’s threatening. We left admiring our friend for his wisdom but also feeling his pain. Nothing will bring his sunshine (Julie) back. With a cancer diagnosis, his future is sure: He is going to get more frail over time and need more help, not less. There is nothing he can do to change his prognosis, but he can grow old with grace and wisdom, which is what he’s doing.

At eighty-one, my dad handed me his car keys one day and said sadly, “I feel like Linus giving up his blanket, but I shouldn’t drive anymore.” He prepared his will, sold his home, simplified his financial accounts, and moved to an assisted living center close to me. He made me his power of attorney, filled out Advanced Directives for his medical chart with a copy for me to have at home as well. He prepared his own obituary information and chose the songs he wanted sung at his funeral. We kept close until the day he died. He didn’t die until he was almost ninety, but we were prepared!

I just finished an excellent book called Being Mortal, by Atul Gawande. As a physician with roots in India but a lifetime working in America, Gawande has the gift of perspective. He’s watched two cultures grappling with how to care for their aging parents. He’s keenly aware of the times he failed to provide “the best” dying experience for his patients because he (or they) focused on “the best” hospital care. Gawande sited one research study with patients in La Crosse, Wisconsin, where advance direction education, end-of-life planning, and hospice care had a significantly positive impact on the patients’ end-of-life experiences and perhaps even extended their lives as much as a year.**

What are some of the questions we all need to ask and answer now to prepare medically for our future death? One important set includes: At the time when we are actively dying, will we want medical interventions like IV fluids, CPR (cardiopulmonary resuscitation), a feeding tube, or a ventilator? Alan (after his long career as an internist) points out that many of these procedures prolong death, not life.

Do we have someone who can make medical decisions if/when we are no longer capable? What are our personal priorities: Staying alive at all costs, or having as high-quality and pain-free (or pain-controlled) life as possible? One of the most hopeful aspects of Gawande’s book came from a study on pain. Patients rated their experience of pain (during a surgical procedure; not during their death!) not by the length of time they had to endure it, but by how intense the pain was. However, the two benchmarks were intensity and outcome. If the pain was intense but the outcome was satisfying, the patients rated their overall experience more highly than if they had less pain but a less desirable outcome. He likened it to watching a football game. If the game goes fine and our favorite team is ahead but loses in the last seconds, we are disappointed. But, even if our team is behind the whole time and it’s a grueling game, if they win in the last few seconds, then it was “a great game!”

Atul Gawande, Assistant Director for Global Health at USAID
(under Joe Biden; Public Domain)

So with our lives! How our lives end matters a great deal! Have we had time to make our peace with God and loved ones, leave a legacy, settle accounts, and say goodbyes? Gawande, who said he was only as Hindu as a boy growing up in Ohio could be, still honored his father’s dying wishes by having him cremated and scattering his ashes in the Ganges River, which his father believed would ensure him immediate, eternal life. Dr. Gawande didn’t believe it, but he had such a love and respect for his dad that he performed all the ceremonies expected of the eldest son, including taking some sips of the Ganges River. He prophylactically medicated himself for the known dire consequences of such a dangerous act but forgot medication to prevent giardia, which he got. Still, it sounded like he and his family were all satisfied.

How about you and me? Are we prepared? If you are prepared for death physically but unprepared for what might happen after your body dies, then I would like to encourage you to click on the link at the top of this page entitled “Coming to Christ.” Jesus promised us that He is the way to God. He loves us so much that he died to provide safe passage from this life to everlasting life with God for all who will repent of their sins and entrust themselves to His saving care, allowing Him to be Lord and Savior. It’s better than life insurance, it IS Life. Eternal life. The ultimate joy that comes in the morning after a long labor and a new child is born into the Kingdom of Heaven!

“Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints” (Psalm 116:15).

(**I think this study is from a 1998 article in the JAMA called “Death and End-of-Life Planning in One Midwestern Community.”)

TWA:SW (8) The Sweetest Side of Dallas

We had such a wonderful time visiting with Marilyn and Lorin while we were in Dallas. We saw lots of famous sites and enjoyed all kinds of great food, but my very favorite day was Sunday go to meetin’ day.

Our friends attend Grace Church in Allen, Texas, which they helped start and have continued to invest in for the past forty-six years. It’s grown from a small congregation to a vibrant ministry that reaches many people weekly with spiritual support and resources.

Alan and I were truly blessed by the opportunity to fellowship there.

Sunday afternoon, it was really on my heart to visit Judy and Ron, who “just happened” to live nearby! I’d never met Judy in person, but she started following my blog, and over time I’ve grown to really admire her.

(Judy has written some guest posts for me and has also authored books, such as the ones above and below.)

She and her husband spent their lives in ministry and missionary service in many countries around the world (including both Ukraine and Russia), but they are now permanently retired.

When I learned that they’d moved into an assisted living situation due to her husband’s health needs, I was especially motivated to spend a little time with them.

Now, normal people would have said, “Fine; you go see them! We’re going to take a Sunday afternoon nap.” But, not Marilyn and Lorin. They said, “There’s no place for you to park your RV there. Let us take you.” In fact, with Ron and Judy’s blessing, they not only commuted us, they joined us in spending the afternoon listening to wonderful stories about Ron and Judy’s pilgrimage through life with Jesus.

As you might imagine, the four of us were trying to be a blessing and encouragement to this elderly couple, but you can probably also guess the ending. This precious couple fed our spirits and blessed our hearts! Rather than hiding out during Covid, Ron and Judy received us joyfully, regaling us with thrilling stories of adventure and delight (yes, and tough times) as they shared the good news of Jesus’ love around the world!

After a lifetime of travels, joys, and sorrows, they look back with contentment but still one ache in their heart. Ron had an urgent message he wanted to pass on to us: “Just love Jesus.” Jesus is worth everything. Nothing else is worthy. Jesus is the Pearl of Great Price, and He loves each one of us. We don’t have to worry about anything else; God will provide. Just love Jesus! Just love Jesus. Just love Jesus.”

“Therefore, brethren, stand fast, and hold the traditions which ye have been taught, whether by word, or our epistle. Now our Lord Jesus Christ himself, and God, even our Father, which hath loved us, and hath given us everlasting consolation and good hope through grace, Comfort your hearts, and stablish you in every good word and work” (2 Thessalonians 2:15-17).

Starting Out the New Year: The Clean Plate Club

Did you make any New Year’s resolutions? How’s it going? As part of my perennial quest for growth (but not in girth), I annually resolve to “Eat less and enjoy it more!” This advice was gleaned from my aged father’s physician years ago. It made us all laugh, but I’ve tried (and often failed) to heed this sage advice over the past 20 years! One of the problems is, as we age, we actually need to eat less simply to maintain our current weight, and to lose weight requires much more than casual attention to resisting gluttony. 😦

The second half of the maxim—”enjoy it more!”—is rarely an issue for us until we’re so old and feeble that lifting a butter knife becomes a burden (as it did for my pastor’s elderly mother years ago). While discussing the need for weight loss with a friend who looks matronly like me, she lamented, “The problem is, I just like to eat!” Ya, me too! Sadly—or happily—I’m right there with her! By the time we’re 70+ it’s a privilege to be healthy enough to enjoy eating! No allergies? No restrictions? Food tastes great? Must mean we’re healthy and our taste buds haven’t retired yet!

It’s a gift to be able to eat and enjoy eating . . . and to have food to eat! “Enjoy it more!” is a good thing: “I know that nothing is better for them than to rejoice, and to do good in their lives, and also that every man should eat and drink and enjoy the good of all his labor—it is the gift of God” (Ecclesiastes 3:12-13, NKJV). Thank you, Father, for the gift of daily bread . . . often served with other good things! Pausing to be thankful is one easy way to “enjoy it more.”

But, what about the first half of the maxim: “Eat less!”? I’ve read that around the world, one in nine people goes to bed hungry every night, and approximately every 3-4 seconds someone dies from starvation. It’s estimated that if we could recover and distribute properly even half the food that’s wasted globally, we could end starvation. What can I do to help myself lose weight while also having a positive impact on world hunger?

The first step is doubtless to stop wasting food. While visiting in Germany last fall, one of my delights was watching “Grosspapa”(our grand daughters’ German grandfather) teach us all how to “Eat less and enjoy it more” by cleaning our plates with a fork or spoon soooo well that it hardly looks like it needs to be washed! Grosspapa was born during World War 2, so he understands the “Waste not, want not” principle.

Even now that we’re back home in America, Alan and I are more careful to make sure we’re part of the clean plate club! 🙂 I’m trying to take less than I think I need, but then, rather than helping myself to seconds, I carefully clean my plate and see if I can’t be satisfied with less. Often simply taking time to slow down and savor the last bites gives my stomach time to relay to my brain that I’m full enough. It’s a good trick!

Of course, it’s never right to do wrong in order to get a chance to do right, which precludes eating after I’m full so nothing goes to waste. I’ve heard it said, “Better to go to waste than to your waist.” True enough! Or, as Alan once quipped, “Little snacks make bigger slacks.” Too true! 😦

If I’ve overfilled my plate and get full, another strategy for not wasting food is to be intentional and creative about conserving leftovers. Rather than scraping that last half cup of green beans into the garbage or feeding it to the dog, I’m storing leftovers in small containers to reheat or freeze for later. For anyone who has an elderly neighbor, sharing a little might go a long way!

One of my elderly friends remembered sailing into New York harbor after World War 2 and being astounded at the garbage hauled out to sea on a barge . . . tons of food he knew starving people in Europe would have loved. I had a pastor who used to minister throughout Africa and was inspired by people there who could use a knife and fork to carve every bit of meat, skin, and cartilage from a chicken wing. Not one speck of meat was wasted. Can we impact world hunger by being personally careful?

Eating less takes constant attention and discipline, so I’m always wondering how to make my “Eat less” appeal more. One way is by experiencing a tangible connection between my eating less with somebody else being able to eat more . . . in order to survive. This can be done through giving to charities that will be faithful in using the funds to help those in desperate need.

We have friends who served many years with a trustworthy Christian ministry called “Food for the Hungry,” but there are many excellent options out there. We have a food pantry affiliated with our church, and I think that’s probably true of many churches. We also have several “rescue missions” in GR which provide food and shelter. Many cities in America have similar missions, and most of them are always in need of both money and helping hands. Most retired folks have some discretionary time. When we’re short on cash, we can still offer our time, and volunteering to help others is a great way to become aware of needs—and help meet them!

Anyway, it’s the beginning of a new year, and I am again resolving to “Eat less and enjoy it more!” both because I need to lose weight and because my heart is to help those who don’t have enough.

“I know that nothing is better for them than to rejoice, and to do good in their lives, and also that every man should eat and drink and enjoy the good of all his labor—it is the gift of God” (Ecclesiastes 3:12-13).

“He who has mercy on the poor, happy is he” (Proverbs 14:21).

P.S.—It’s not too late to sign up for Aqueduct Project’s class on prayer, which starts tonight! I’m still hosting company at our home but sincerely hope to see you there at 7:00 pm!

https://www.aqueductproject.org/prayer-certificate

TWA:NE (46) Anything Goes Dinner Salad

When we travel, I make a lot of salads, mostly because they’re fast and easy. However, they are also very nutritious, and I’ve noticed that between exercising and eating on the run, neither of us seem to gain weight when we travel, even though we pretty much eat as much as we want and enjoy many special treats. Therefore, I want to commend to you the possibility of making more salads, even when the weather is starting to take a turn for colder. Think Christmas! Red and green are in, right? Anyway, a salad can have wonderful flavor and lots of nutrients!

Anything Goes Salad

Here’s my list of what I put in this salad, but if it’s a fruit, nut, or veggie you can find in your refrigerator or cupboard and you like it, you can probably mix it in!

Plate of greens
Roasted chicken, chunked
Tomatoes
Green beans (yes; fresh and uncooked)
Radishes
Diced red onion
Dried cranberries

Add your favorite dressing or some oil, vinegar, salt, and pepper, and you’re good to go!

“For food in a world where many walk in hunger;
For faith in a world where many walk in fear;
For friends in a world where many walk alone; 
We give you thanks, O Lord.” (- Author Unknown)

“Save thy people, and bless thine inheritance:
feed them also, and lift them up for ever” (Psalm 28:9).

TWA: NE (38)All About Alma

“Alma” was Alan’s mother’s name, so that piqued his curiosity about this tiny fishing village perched on the edge of the Bay of Fundy.

But, it was more than the name that kept him wanting to go back for more!

You know—the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

I travel for the scenery; Alan travels for the cuisine, and in the humble little town of Alma, the cuisine was every bit as fresh and fabulous as the scenery!

That particular morning, we strolled down to the beach to watch the tides rolling in (full at 12:16 pm).

(Note the red boat’s name: “Grateful One”)

Afterward, we followed Alan’s nose down to the wharf to check out the lobster boats and see who could recommend the best place for lunch.

“Justin,” on the Thoughtful Too fishing boat, was preparing lobster trap anchors. He said lobster season runs October 14 through December 31 and then it’s scallop season through spring. They get about 85% of their lobsters during that time, although they can catch them later in the summer. However, he said his crew had just hauled in a load of scallops, which his wife was serving down the street at the Alma Lobster Shop.

That was just the tip we needed, so away we went!

Storage for keeping their seafood harvest fresh

Deep-fried scallops with a hint of cajun. Unbelievably fresh and scrumptious!

Brittany and Hannah (Yes; I have their permission to share them with you!)

Indeed, Justin’s wife, Brittany, served us. We also had the pleasure of getting to know her a little bit. They have 2 kids: Caleb and Hannah. Hannah was with her, full of engaging smiles and waves. Big, blue eyes and just starting to toddle. During lunch, we learned that Justin and Brittany are both Christians and owe their joy to Jesus! Their first baby died 4 days after birth. Their second, Caleb, was a micro-premie, born at 26 weeks, 1 pound, 6 ozs. In NICU for 2 months. This struck a chord with us, because our grandson Samuel was born at 27 weeks at 1 pound, 9 oz and was in the NICU for 97 days. Today, Caleb is perfectly healthy and obsessed with trick bikes. He sounds just like our Sammy, who’s perfectly healthy and obsessed with basketball and doing trick shots! By the time we left, we felt like we’d made new friends!

Doesn’t it warm the cockles of your heart to hear about making new friends in a tiny town in a foreign country based on having both faith and heartaches in common? Our God is an awesome God! Even a year after our trip is over, Alan still thinks of Alma as his favorite little seaside village and talks wistfully of returning for some more great seafood! It might be an affinity because “Alma” was his mother’s name. It might also be something about the meaning of the word “Alma,” which comes from roots that mean “nourishing the soul; kind; first” (as in, our “alma mater,” our “first mother” or the first university we attended). But, probably best of all, I think it’s about the great food and kind souls we met there!

“That which we have seen and heard declare we unto you, that ye also may have fellowship with us: and truly our fellowship is with the Father, and with his Son Jesus Christ” (1 John 1:3).