Church Bulletin Bloopers

Summer Vacation 2020 . . .

Are you ready for some fun? We’re in the midst of enjoying family visits after months of being locked down, so during the week days my blogs will be on light side for the next couple of weeks. I hope you can enjoy some comic relief with me!

Here is a forward on announcements made in church bulletins or from the pulpit:

The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The “Fasting & Prayer Conference” includes meals.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next  Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver” (Proverbs 25:11).



Little Bits of Wisdom from the Peanuts Gallery

Life has been so heavy lately that I thought we all might need a lift. Hope these brighten your day. They’re cartoons by Charles Schulz, a Lutheran from Minneapolis, who blessed the world for almost 50 years with humorous reminders of of those basic life lessons we were all supposed to have learned by kindergarten. His cartoons were published in 2,600 newspapers, in 75 countries, and in 21 languages!

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”
(Hebrews 11:1, ESV).

Ready for a Few More COVID Jokes?

The COVID waves from Chicago and Detroit have now met in the middle, causing some undertow right her in quiet Grand Rapids, which has become Michigan’s hot spot. Therefore, our governor has extended the stay at home order until June 12. Nationally, America has now lost more than 100,000 people to this terrible plague. Please forgive me if you are among those suffering, but for the rest of us, who are suffering economically and socially, I think it’s time for a few more jokes to bolster our sense of humor while waiting out the storm.

On the topic of watching more T.V. and videos during the shelter-in-place order, Alan and I just discovered a “Faith and Family” streaming service (at least here in America) that has a lot of wholesome movies on it. It’s $5.99 a month or $4.49 (billed $53.99 for a year), and you can get a free 2-week trial just to see what you think of it. I’ll include the link below.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things” (Philippians 4:8). I think this is a great standard for all of us as we consider how to use our leisure time.

Contagious Contagions

They say whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. In Chile, where one of my sister-in-laws was born and reared, they’ve started issuing certificates to those who have survived COVID on the assumption that these people are now healthy and should be free from vulnerability to COVID contagion as well as no longer being contagious themselves. This is—as you might suspect—somewhat controversial, since the disease is so new that there aren’t any peer-reviewed studies proving this theory, although it’s pretty widely accepted as mostly true concerning many viral illnesses.

The whole issue of contagions and being contagious made me consider what I would like to be able to pass along to others. Actually, we are all “carriers” of certain contagions, right? I saw a YouTube of a Belgian man who (as an advertising gimmick for Coca-cola) started laughing on a train. It was like magic! After some initial facials expressing questioning curiosity, soon everybody was laughing or smiling. I couldn’t watch it without laughing myself! Laughter really is contagious, isn’t it?! (If you’ve got an extra 1:28 seconds, here it is: )

And so, as an exercise in aspiration, I made a list of some of the things I would love to be a infected with and pass along to others:

Keukenhof Flower Gardens in the Netherlands

*Peace like a river
*Joy like a fountain
*Love like an ocean
*Faith like a child
*Hope like a mountain
*Patience like a golden ring
*Radiance like an angel
*Cheerfulness like a song bird
*Wisdom like a sage . . . like Solomon
*Meekness like Moses
*Righteousness like Daniel
*Zeal like Paul
*Goodness and Holiness like Jesus, “For in him dwelleth all the fulness of the Godhead bodily” (Colossians 2:9). In Jesus, all the virtues of God were displayed in human form! I want to be like Jesus!

(I did not take the amazing photo of Keukenhof Flower Gardens and do not know who did, as I received it as a forward, but isn’t it fabulous? If you are the photographer, please let me know your name so I can credit you, or let me know if you don’t want to give me permission and I’ll take it down. Thank you! Same for the photos of the dogs, which were from FB.)

COVID Considerations (Just for Fun)

From my niece: “I never dreamed there’d be a day when I went into a bank with a mask on and asked for money!” (My response? “I never dreamed there’d be a day when I took off my wedding ring before leaving the house to shop!” P.S. as in Pre Script: All the rest of these jokes and cartoons are gleaned from FB and emails from friends. Thanks, ya’ll!)

I feel like a kindergartner who keeps losing more recess time because one or two kids can’t follow directions.

Tomorrow is the National Home-school Tornado Drill. Lock your kids in the basement until you get the all clear. You’re welcome!

2019: Stay away from negative people.
2020: Stay away from positive people.

The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

Since we can’t eat out, now’s the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and stay healthy. But we’re quarantined! Who are we trying to impress? We have snacks; we have sweatpants – I say we use them!

Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions! (I heard in one community the police were having to remind people to put on more than just their boxer shorts before checking their mailboxes.)


Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”

Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands??

I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch her with a six-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

Me: Alexa what’s the weather this weekend?
Alexa: It doesn’t matter – you’re not going anywhere.

Thoughts on getting enough exercise during our sheltering-at-home mandate:

Every time I hear the dirty word “exercise,” I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

Walking 20 minutes can add to your life. This enables you at 90 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $4000 per month.

Don’t worry! We all get heavier as we get older because we have more information weighing down our brains. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.

Now that I’m over sixty, I don’t need to exercise anymore. I got all I need just getting over the hill.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where he is.

In your patience possess ye your souls” (Luke 21:19).

What Does Your Church Have to Say?

Every once in a while, I have friends who forward emails that make me laugh and brighten up my day. In honor of the snow beginning to fall here in Michigan (unseasonably early, I think! 😦 ), I thought you might enjoy a few laughs too!

(This church must be in Florida! 🙂 )

And my personal favorite (because it’s so true, not because it’s so funny):

Now the goal of our instruction is love that comes from a pure heart, a good conscience, and a sincere faith” (1 Timothy 1:5, HCSB translation of our Bible).

Word Play for Summer Fun

 Just in case you’re bored this summer or need a few jokes for kids…
Define:

1. ARBITRAITOR                       A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s

2.     BERNADETTE                   The act of torching a mortgage

3.     BURGLARIZE                    What a crook sees through

4.     AVOIDABLE                      What a bullfighter tries to do

5.     EYEDROPPER                  Clumsy ophthalmologist

6.     CONTROL                         A short, ugly inmate

7.     COUNTERFEITER              Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

8.     ECLIPSE                           What an English barber does for a living

9.     LEFT BANK                       What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money

10.    HEROES                          What a man in a boat does

11.    PARASITES                      What you see from the Eiffel Tower

12.    PARADOX                        Two physicians

13.    PHARMACIST                   A helper on a Farm 

14.    POLARIZE                        What penguins see through

15.    PRIMATE                          Remove your spouse from in front of TV

16.    RELIEF                             What trees do in the spring

17.    RUBBERNECK                 What you do to relax your wife

18.    SELFISH                          What the owner of a seafood store does

19.    SUDAFED                        Brought litigation against a government official

20.    PARADIGMS                    Twenty Cents

Thou hast set all the borders of the earth:
thou hast made summer and winter
” (Psalm 74:17).
The ants are a people not strong,
yet they prepare their meat in the summer
” (Proverbs 30:25).

Advice for Baby Boomers

In keeping with my cogitations on Baby Boomers and senior health, I received this “helpful” advice. It definitely made me laugh, so I’ll share it in case you need something to brighten your day:

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom, God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then, God saw there was another need.  In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would  have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to the  bathroom, thus providing more exercise.  God looked down and saw that it was good.

So, if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you may feel like muttering under your breath. 🙂

Six  Useful Thoughts to Consider as We Grow Older

#6  Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#5  Life is sexually transmitted .

#4  Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#3  All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2   In the 60’s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1  Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

For thou art my hope, O Lord God: thou art my trust from my youth.
(Psalm 71:5)

Birthday Bliss (or Not)

Alan has taken me somewhere very special and unusual for my birthday (out of town sans cell phone), so I won’t be home to soak up all the kindness of friends and relatives, chat on the phone, or even hit the “like” button on Face Book! Still, I wanted to let you know that you’re ever in my heart and prayers, and so I decided to prepare a few jokes so we could share some smiles today anyway!

YES!!This is in honor of all my friends who—like me—struggle with weight!This is especially for my daughter, four daughter-in-laws, nieces, and all young friends who are bravely rearing babies today! This one is a direct hit for me. Don’t know how the rest of you feel!  Here’s one for my hubby and all you health-care professionals! This one’s not so funny with all the hurricanes disrupting America’s millions of alligators. May you meet no crocodiles or alligators either later or in a while. 😦(This in honor of my son Stephen, who just passed his PhD comprehensive exams in musicology. Way to go, Stephen!)This is especially for my son Joel, who works as an editor, my daughter,  my writers’ group buddies and all fellow writers, lovers of good books and movies! Never thought of this one, but doesn’t it make you laugh?! …In honor of all my fellow Baby Boomers
who are developing gold-fish brains like Alan’s and mine. Anybody singing in a choir these days?  🙂 Here’s another one for the birthday girl (me).And, for all you fans of super hero movies…and Jesus!

 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. (John 3:16-18)