Category Archives: Cartoons and jokes

Word Play for Summer Fun

 Just in case you’re bored this summer or need a few jokes for kids…
Define:

1. ARBITRAITOR                       A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s

2.     BERNADETTE                   The act of torching a mortgage

3.     BURGLARIZE                    What a crook sees through

4.     AVOIDABLE                      What a bullfighter tries to do

5.     EYEDROPPER                  Clumsy ophthalmologist

6.     CONTROL                         A short, ugly inmate

7.     COUNTERFEITER              Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

8.     ECLIPSE                           What an English barber does for a living

9.     LEFT BANK                       What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money

10.    HEROES                          What a man in a boat does

11.    PARASITES                      What you see from the Eiffel Tower

12.    PARADOX                        Two physicians

13.    PHARMACIST                   A helper on a Farm 

14.    POLARIZE                        What penguins see through

15.    PRIMATE                          Remove your spouse from in front of TV

16.    RELIEF                             What trees do in the spring

17.    RUBBERNECK                 What you do to relax your wife

18.    SELFISH                          What the owner of a seafood store does

19.    SUDAFED                        Brought litigation against a government official

20.    PARADIGMS                    Twenty Cents

Thou hast set all the borders of the earth:
thou hast made summer and winter
” (Psalm 74:17).
The ants are a people not strong,
yet they prepare their meat in the summer
” (Proverbs 30:25).

Advice for Baby Boomers

In keeping with my cogitations on Baby Boomers and senior health, I received this “helpful” advice. It definitely made me laugh, so I’ll share it in case you need something to brighten your day:

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom, God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then, God saw there was another need.  In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would  have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to the  bathroom, thus providing more exercise.  God looked down and saw that it was good.

So, if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you may feel like muttering under your breath. 🙂

Six  Useful Thoughts to Consider as We Grow Older

#6  Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#5  Life is sexually transmitted .

#4  Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#3  All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2   In the 60’s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1  Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

For thou art my hope, O Lord God: thou art my trust from my youth.
(Psalm 71:5)

Birthday Bliss (or Not)

Alan has taken me somewhere very special and unusual for my birthday (out of town sans cell phone), so I won’t be home to soak up all the kindness of friends and relatives, chat on the phone, or even hit the “like” button on Face Book! Still, I wanted to let you know that you’re ever in my heart and prayers, and so I decided to prepare a few jokes so we could share some smiles today anyway!

YES!!This is in honor of all my friends who—like me—struggle with weight!This is especially for my daughter, four daughter-in-laws, nieces, and all young friends who are bravely rearing babies today! This one is a direct hit for me. Don’t know how the rest of you feel!  Here’s one for my hubby and all you health-care professionals! This one’s not so funny with all the hurricanes disrupting America’s millions of alligators. May you meet no crocodiles or alligators either later or in a while. 😦(This in honor of my son Stephen, who just passed his PhD comprehensive exams in musicology. Way to go, Stephen!)This is especially for my son Joel, who works as an editor, my daughter,  my writers’ group buddies and all fellow writers, lovers of good books and movies! Never thought of this one, but doesn’t it make you laugh?! …In honor of all my fellow Baby Boomers
who are developing gold-fish brains like Alan’s and mine. Anybody singing in a choir these days?  🙂 Here’s another one for the birthday girl (me).And, for all you fans of super hero movies…and Jesus!

 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. (John 3:16-18)

Ready for a Coffee Break?

I woke up this morning with a headache, which is extremely rare for me, but I wondered if a cup of coffee might cure it. However, my health insurance requires a fasting cholesterol, which was this morning, so there was to be no coffee or tea for me until after my blood draw! I survived, and I’m feeling fine without any socially acceptable chemical dependence, but it reminded me of all the funny coffee jokes my friend Sarah E. puts on her Face Book page. If you love coffee as much as I do, I hope you’ll take a two-minute coffee break and enjoy these!… . Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace.
(1 Peter 4:8-10)

(Thank you, Sarah E., for sharing so many fun things to make others laugh! Truly, laughter is good medicine!)

Church Ladies With Typewriters

This came as a forward from a cousin. It really made me laugh, so I’m going to share it with you, although I don’t know who the original author is. If it’s YOU (whoever you are), please let me know so I can give you credit or link it to you. Thanks!

They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:   

————————–

The Fasting & Prayer Conference  includes  meals. 

————————–     

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 

————————–

The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.”
The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

————————–

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

————————–
Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help. 
————————- 

Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 

————————–

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 

————————–  

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 

————————– 

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 

————————– 

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

————————-

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

————————– 

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

————————– 

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. 

————————–

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

————————– 

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 

————————– 

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 

————————– 

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 

————————– 

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet  Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door. 

————————–

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespear.

Gotta love ’em, right? At least they’re trying! 🙂

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends…
(1 Corinthians 13:4-8, ESV)

Writer’s Block, Jokes, and Such

Do you love to write? If so, you’ve probably experienced “Writer’s Block” at some point…a time when you just can’t concentrate on what you’re doing. Usually I have so many ideas bubbling in my brain that I can’t write fast enough, but this morning I felt rather zombiesque so concluded that it might be time for a pick me up…which usually sends me to my friend Dave’s Face Book page, because Dave always posts jokes that make me laugh! Okay, so not all these are from Dave’s page, and some of them are more inspirational than laughable, but I’m shamelessly sharing some favorites from FB, because I figured if I am feeling a bit sad today, then you might need a little good cheer as well. I hope they brighten your day as they have mine. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me” (Psalm 23:4). I’m not personally experiencing the shadow of death, but I’m attending a funeral today, and a friend is having surgery for cancer next week, so I’m definitely feeling the weight of loved ones passing through the shadowlands.

On the Lighter, Brighter Side

facebook-closedIn case you haven’t heard yet, I was asked to share this. keep-goingHowever, even if you can’t access Facebook, you can still do this…advice-for-shopping-in-a-mallAnd, this is definitely great advice!  🙂 doctors-strikeHere’s one for all the doctors in your life! I love this!  🙂
(Do you know any who take time to picket? I do not!)kindnessIsn’t this the truth?! galatians-2-20May this one be true for each of us!