Quotable Quips for a Rainy—or Sunny—Day

Alligator v.s. CrocodileI love jokes and quips. Do you? Here are a few I’ve been saving up for just such an occasion as today. Hope you enjoy them, and if you’ve already heard them, I hope they still make you smile!

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” ~Lily Tomlin

“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?” ~Phyllis Diller

“If you love something, set it free. Unless it’s chocolate. Never release chocolate.” ~Renee Duvall

“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” ~Milton Berle

“Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” ~Paula Poundstone

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.” ~George Carlin

“He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals.”~Ben Franklin

“The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.”~Erma Bombeck

“The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about.” ~Evan Esar

“Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.” ~Doug Larson

“Laughter is an instant vacation.” ~Milton Berle (and I hope you’re enjoying some vacation during this beautiful summer!)

Then was our mouth filled with laughter, and our tongue with singing: then said they among the heathen, The Lord hath done great things for them. The Lord hath done great things for us; whereof we are glad” (Psalm 26:2-3).

 

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