How do we know if we’ve really forgiven someone who’s hurt us badly? When Peter asked Jesus, “Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:21-22). This was such an unbelievably difficult commandment that the apostles ended the discussion with a confession of disbelief: “Increase our faith” (Luke 16:5).
I don’t think much has changed between then and now, and I echo the apostles’ prayer: Lord, please increase my faith! I agree with Alexander Pope: “To err is human; to forgive, divine.” Forgiveness is not a gem that can be found on earth. Furthermore, forgiving once is hard enough, although many of us can find it in our hearts to forgive someone who has truly repented (past tense) and is responding so faithfully (present tense) that we’re no longer afraid of what they might do to us (future tense).
However, until we all get to heaven, we’re susceptible to sin and failure, and that mountain of sin we thought had been cast into the sea might someday reemerge like Frankenstein from the swamp, coming back to terrorize us again.
Nevertheless, Jesus tells us to forgive, not just once, but over and over again. How do we respond to repeat offenders? What about your alcoholic loved one who is killing himself as well as causing inestimable pain to you and everyone who loves him? Do you find yourself wondering if you’ve ever really forgiven as the anger and frustration burn to the surface again and again?
Let’s look at some examples of forgiveness in the Bible to see what we can learn about what true forgiveness looks like:
- First, a couple of verses on the God of forgiveness:
- “For thou, Lord, art good, and ready to forgive; and plenteous in mercy unto all them that call upon thee” (Psalm 86:5). God is good, ready to forgive, and merciful to those who ask. Ah, that we should be the same!
- “For they shall all know me, from the least of them unto the greatest of them, saith the Lord: for I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more” (Jeremiah 31:34). Susanna Wesley taught that a child should never be punished for the same offense twice, and “that if they amended they should never be upbraided with it afterwards.” Ah, that we might never bring to remembrance past sins that are not present sins.
- Joseph forgave his brothers, who sold him into slavery because they were so jealous of him. His response? “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today” (Genesis 50:20). Joseph didn’t deny their evil, but he was able to recognize that God brought about good from the evil. (See also Romans 8:28).
- Moses loved the children of Israel so dearly that despite their constant waywardness he interceded for them, “But now, if you will forgive their sin—but if not, please blot me out of your book that you have written” (Exodus 32:32).
- Paul expressed a similar sentiment to Moses’s in Romans 9:3. I can’t wrap my mind around such passion for people, but I’m convinced this is how God wants us to feel.
- Abigail interceded on behalf of her selfish husband to David: “Upon me, my lord, upon me let this iniquity be . . . I pray thee, forgive the trespass of thine handmaid” (1 Samuel 25:24,28). Abigail confessed that her husband was a worthless, selfish, churlish man, but she still risked her own life to save his! Would we try to protect the safety of a miserable wretch?
- Jesus on the cross interceded for those who crucified him: “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34). Am I able to believe that those who injure me don’t understand the depth of what they’re doing? It is true. Jesus understood this.
- Stephen, while being stoned for accusing the Jews of being responsible for the death of Christ, interceded for those who were killing him: “Lord, lay not this sin to their charge” (Acts 7:60). Do I long for the exposure and just punishment of those who sin against me, or am I willing to bear the pain and pray for them?
True forgiveness has a high cost, but it’s also a holy calling. Harboring hatred and resentment imprisons the soul occupied therein. Unforgiveness hardens the heart and builds walls that encircle the bitter spirit like iron bars. “For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14-15). It is a proud person, indeed, who presumes that he (or she) “should” be forgiven for their sins even though they are unwilling to forgive the sins of another person. Better is the attitude expressed in our Lord’s Prayer, “And forgive us our sins; for we also forgive every one that is indebted to us” (Luke 11:4). Can we release the debts?
It is a study for another day, but if you find yourself more in the role of the offender than of the offended, please know that God puts the onus on the offender to repent and seek reconciliation: “Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift” (Matthew 5:23-24). Yes, as believers God calls us to the supernatural grace of forgiving others (for our own sakes as well as for theirs), but God also expects us to confess, repent, and seek reconciliation when we are in the wrong (which will be often whenever we are in close proximity to a rebellious person). “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). If I may quote Susanna Wesley again: “There are two things to do about the gospel. Believe it and behave it.”
For many years I nursed the cherished dagger that I could only forgive people if they truly repented. The passage that seems to support this is: “Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him” (Luke 17:3-4). This is a two-edged dagger; don’t cut yourself on this one! At least, don’t set yourself up to judge the sincerity of your offender’s repentance. If you are left to judge the sincerity of their repentance, you’ll never be able to forgive them. First, because they will never be able to fully understand the depth of your pain, and second, because only God knows the heart, and you won’t ever be able to figure out how sincere they are. Waiting for them to prove themselves to you? Even if they try, they’ll most likely never be able to make up for your losses.
Thankfully, in all the other texts above, the person’s forgiveness was not based on appropriate repentance. When we sin, it is our duty to repent, but the offended person is not bound to be unforgiving unless we repent! Each of us is free to forgive because Jesus paid the price for all our sins on the cross. He died for our sins, and he died for the sins of others. We can forgive anyone anywhere at any time if we are willing, because Jesus paid the ultimate penalty for our sins and theirs. We are free. Free to seek God’s forgiveness, and free to forgive those who hurt us.
One last thought on the mind-boggling mandate to forgive 490 times. I don’t think Jesus meant that as a number to keep track of on a spreadsheet. In the Bible’s “Love” chapter (1 Corinthians 13), verses 4-8 give this beautiful description of how love lives: “Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth.” I fail, but only because my love fails. God’s love never fails, and He wants us to grow in our ability to persevere and be patient with one another.
One last quote from Susanna Wesley (“Mother of Methodism” who homeschooled her 10 children over 300 years ago). One day her husband noticed her incredible patience during a particularly trying day. It’s written that he said, “I wonder at your patience: you have told that child 20 times the same thing.” Susanna replied, “Had I satisfied myself by mentioning the matter only 19 times, I should have lost all my labour; you see, it was the twentieth time that crowned the whole.”
Are you “fed up to the gills” with a loved one’s abuse and failures? “Be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32). It’s a supernatural grace not within us, so let’s also be forgiving of our own failures and imperfections as we try to be like Jesus! There is nothing quite so abrasive as the scouring irritations of our loved ones, but we can take heart, knowing that it is these constant abrasions that will polish us if we surrender to the Master’s hand. Perhaps it will be on the 491st try that one particular sin will be overcome! 🙂
I would like to leave us all with this wisdom from Colossians 3:13-16, found inscribed inside the wedding ring of my thirdborn, who passed it along to my lastborn when he officiated at his wedding a fortnight ago: “Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.”
Texts for this meditation: Matthew 18:21-22, “Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.” Luke 16:3-5, “Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him. And the apostles said unto the Lord, Increase our faith.“
(Credit for the beautiful portrayal of forgiveness and healing goes to Yongsung Kim, used by permission of Havenlight.com.)
Summer Setting 