Fine Lines by Airline Stewardesses

There have been lots of comings and goings on airplanes to our home of late: Grace and the kids came Thursday, Michael came and went over the weekend, and yesterday I put my baby, Joel, on the plane to Boston. So, in honor of the flurry of flights, here are a list of great lines that were purportedly overheard on airplanes. I’ve included some pictures that were forwarded to me via email as well:

United flight attendant announced, “People, People — we’re not picking out furniture here; find a seat and get in it!
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On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings.  If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”
– – –Airplane crashes 1“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”
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An airline pilot wrote that, on this particular flight, he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile and give them a Thanks for flying our airline.  He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.  Finally, everyone had gotten off except a little old lady walking with a cane.  She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask a question?”  “Why, no, Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?”  The lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fellow, WHOA!”
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Another flight attendant’s comment on a less-than-perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
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Airplane crashes 4On an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, TX on a particularly windy and bumpy day, during the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it.  After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.  Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
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“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”
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“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses — except for that gentleman over there.”
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This was heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City.  The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking.  I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault; it wasn’t the pilot’s fault; it wasn’t the flight attendants’ fault. It was the asphalt.”
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Airplane crashes 3After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.  And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
– – –Airplane crashes 2Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today.  And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways.”
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Heard on a Southwest Airline flight: “Ladies and Gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing; and, if you can light ’em,  you can smoke ’em.”
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A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?”  He replied, “No.  I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.” (This last one might not seem funny to you, but after hearing, “Are all of those kids yours?” about a zillion times in my life, with no appropriate response, I have to applaud the man’s wit!)

“The horse is prepared against the day of battle: but safety is of the Lord.” (Proverbs 21:31)


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